The Dome is Haunted

The Dome is Closed...for Now

2007-11-29T16:34:00.000-06:00

The Dome is officially closing down. Don't fret, all two of you. As I've mentioned before, I have a new gig. You can find the same ole me at a new address with some new friends at Wrigleyville23.blogspot.com.

It was a fun ride, albeit slightly neglectful on my part. So, for now, head on over to Wrigleyville to get your fill. That's where I'll be shackin', probably sleeping on the sofa bed, at least until I get fired.

Nutsack's Got a New Gig

2007-11-27T09:22:00.000-06:00

Step 1. Get a crappy blog. Check.

Step 2. Tentatively post to your blog frequently. Check.

Step 3. Forget about your blog temporarily, neglecting what little success it had from start because you're a lazy dunderhead that plays too much XBOX Live. Check-a-mundo.

Step 4. Continue neglecting your blog so that your blog "friends" worry about your wellness and lively hood so much that they send you personal emails ensuring that you're still breathing. Oh, yeah...check.

Step 5. Receive a random invitation to "contribute" to a friendly blog of the same ilk, accept said invitation, and continue the future neglecting of your current blog. Check.

That'll be $35.95, please. Well, it seems as though your good friend In a Nutsack has been recruited by the fine folks over at Wrigleyville23 to be an everyday contributor to their fine establishment. Well, I've taken them up on their offer and plan to be worth every penny. Literally. So, The Dome's content and other whatnots can now be found at Wrigleyville23, and they can now prepare for the success I know Sarge and Wrigleyville have been searching for since the dawn of their site's creation. Whoopie?

Thanks to those guys, they are a class act.

Christmas and Thanksgiving Hiatus/I'm a Lazy Bastard

2007-11-27T07:42:00.000-06:00

So, it seems that The Dome has been slightly missed by the "blogging community." Honestly, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Well, to be honest, the sentiment is endearing and I trully feel your pain. I've been a bad daddy to The Dome. I've been neglectful and downright abusive. I apoligize. I know that you miss me.

But, there are some very good sports (When I say sports, I mean baseball. And, when I say baseball, I mean the Cubs.) blogs out there. There's the always truthfully cutting Wrigleyville23. Wrigleyville and The Sarge have become good friends of the Nutsacker. They know their Cubs knowledge and are quick to point out how incredibly off-point official Cub media outlets are at this time. There's no better way to start out a morning at the old work station than sipping on some dark coffee and looking up Wrigleyville23 for the day's newest one-liner. The site is updated once a day, at least, and sometimes two, three or even four times a day. WV23 is one of my favorite sites, and they deserve your utmost attention.

Next, there's my, er, good friends over at Hire Jim Essian!. The true draw to this site, and Bad Kermit may hate to hear this, is a little fixture called the ShoutBox where all the assclownery, poo joking, and incessant racism occurs. When there's down time at work, I'll be hanging out in the ShoutBox, doing my best to bring down the standards of HJE!. However, ShoutBoxing aside, Bad Kermit's articles are always insightful, well-written, and usually downright funny. His commentaries on Cubs.com's Carrie Muskat's Mailbag are worth your while.

Next up are my friendly bartenders at Thunder Matt's Saloon. Not to be confused with Thunder Matt's Salon, which is something totally different. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At the Saloon, you'll find more than just Cubs news, although the site is centered around The Dome's favorite Cub, Thunder Matt Murton. No, at the Saloon, you'll find random news about the NFL, MLB, and NCAA. What, there's more? Sure...there'll also be some movie reviews and more hilarious pictures you can shake a stick at.

So, even though things are sluggish at best here at The Dome, there are other alternatives. I'll get back to things here shortly, but in the meantime, enjoy your holidays and continue keeping it real.

Oh, and the Saints are 5-6, two games back of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, whom they play this Sunday in the Superdome. It's been a rollercoaster season and let's hope the Saints can make things interesting in the NFC South by depantsing the Bucs this weekend and moving ever closer to the division title. Go Saints.

One more thing: The Cubs resigned Kerry Wood to a one year, $4.2 M contract yesterday. The Dome has a giant chubby.

The Dome's Halloween Spooktacular!!! Mwaaaaahhhhhh hahahahahaha!!!!

2007-10-31T07:22:00.000-05:00

It's officially Halloween at The Dome. Really? Wow, I can't believe tomorrow will already be November 1, which means only one thing: my one-month free membership to XBOX Live will have reached it's completion. I guess I'll have to fork up the $50 soon to get myself a brand spankin' new one-year membership. Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Isn't Halloween one of the greatest "holidays" on the planet? It's the one time of the year where college girls (bless their sweet little hearts) can throw dignity and self-respect to the wind and dress their little tight bodies up like this. And this. And this. And this. And finally, this. That last one isn't a hot little college girl, per se', but scary nonetheless.

So, Happy Halloween, Cubs, Saints, and LSU fans alike. I know it's a weird amalgomation of folks, but we can all get along, right? Sorry for the lack of posting, as I'm sure you guys really are clamoring for my nonsense, but I'm just a lazy ass who really likes not doing stuff. So, there. Enjoy the Halloween Hump Day and stay tuned.

Have No Fear, The Dome is Still Alive!

2007-10-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

With the Cubs out of the MLB playoffs, it's now time to return to Saints football. But, for my "friends" who try to stop by The Dome from time to time to see what I have to say about all things Cub, I'll do my best to include them in my postings. Not that you really like me all that much, but because we have this terrible flesh-eating affliction called being a Cubs fan.

Anyway, I have some actual work to do at work today, so a new, relevant, deep thought post may be up tonight or sometime tomorrow. So, for now, enjoy your Hump Day blues and just remember...tomorrow is Thursday, which is a day before Friday. Yay?

Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies for owning the MLB playoffs and winning 21 of their last 22 games. Eat it, ESPN. It looks like the Indians are going to beat the BoSox to be the AL's representative in the World Series. What's sad is that two very solid baseball teams will be in the dance come the end of October, but no one will watch because neither coast will be represented. Boo frickety hoo, you self-absorbed a-holes. The "flyover" states can play, too.

Stay tuned, because I'll be posting a "pick 'em" style for the upcoming NFL slate for this weekend, and you won't want to miss it. Or, you might...but, if you do, you're a douche balloon. Happy Boss' Day to all of you...what greater way to celebrate my boss by posting on my blog during business hours? Sue me. Enjoy your day, kids.

Holy Shit! They Actually Did It!!!

2007-10-01T07:57:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs. That's right, your 2007 National League Central Division Champions. And, go me for not giving up. God knows they gave me plenty of opportunities to throw in the towel, but they also provided many more moments to remember. Awwww...I love you guys.

If that didn't ice the cake of awesomeness, my 360 made it safe and sound back to the house. Microsoft was kind enough to throw the old console away and saved me many lonely nights of watching the History Channel and Dog: The Bounty ~~MILF~~ Hunter episodes by replacing it with a brand new model. Even better, they sent a 1 month XBOX Live Gold membership with the new toy and my life will be forever changed. If you have Live, look for "In a Nutsack" to be sniping your stupid face on Rainbow Six Vegas and Call of Duty 2 in the very near future.

Ready for a little more asskickery? LSU is now #1 in the polls, leapfrogging over USC. The Trojans should have lost that game to Washington, though. The Tigers get Florida next at home in Tiger Stadium, though it's the Kentucky Wildcats who trully scare the bejeebus out of me.

Okay, enough random for one post. Enjoy your "case of the Monday's."

QUIT LOLLYGAGGING!!!

2007-09-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

Hey, Sweet Lou...yeah, I'm talkin' at you. Take your damn head out of your hands and have a look-see at the pissed off, 6'-2" 185 lb. ball of awesomeness and brutal furocity of average white-bread Americana staring you in the face. You think you're stressed out? I have a Saints/Cubs/LSU blog...times are rough around here, and I don't need you starting infected vaginas like Stella Trachsel in the midst of the most critical week of this Cubs' long season.

I know, you probably didn't ask for Trachsel. Hendry thought he'd be cute and "surprise" you with Sean Marshall's right-handed evil twin. What the hell prompted you to start the lineup you flopped on that card yesterday? If Trachsel wasn't bad enough, you go and throw Jock in center (against a lefty, by the way) and a Detroit reject hack named Craig Monroe in right. Don't you know that it's the peak of hurricane season, and Thunder Matt is at Cat 4 status at the moment?

Look, there at the beginning of the week, we Cubs fans felt pretty strongly that we'd sweep this week's game schedule and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. However, after dropping the Florida series via the sweep, things are glum. I'm not going to be all doom and gloom, but backing into the Central Division champoinship and the playoffs is not the way I wanted to watch this team make the postseason. There are only three games left at the launching pad in Cincinnati. For Jeebus' sake, put up 30 runs a game and let's just put this thing away. The Brewers obviously don't want it. Make me want to watch the postseason...y'know, it's been, like...years.

Slap to the Face, Kick to the 'Nads, and a Giant Foot Up the Ass

2007-09-26T07:00:00.001-05:00

31-14...again? I don't really know what happened to this team during the summer months, but I want my 2006 Saints back. The team looked really, really, really lackluster during Monday night's debacle, and now that the Saints have fallen all the way down to 0-3 on this short season, the outlook is even more ominous considering the sudden loss of Deuce McAllister for the season due to a torn ACL and meniscus in his left knee. Deuce tore the same ligament in his right knee in 2005, when Aaron Stecker was forced to take the reigns for the remainder of that season. Deuce is a 28 year old running back with two major knee injuries in his short career. His career may be in jeopardy. If Reggie Bush proves that he can handle the full workload of an NFL running back, and hopefully add a little bulk, the Saints might defer not to keep Deuce around for the $3.7M he's due in 2008. They may, however, ask to redo his contract to keep him around, but I wouldn't doubt he be signed by the Falcons and return to 1,500 yard, 12 TD form soon after. The injury bug also bit cornerback Jason David, as he has a broken forearm and is out 4-6 weeks.

Drew Brees was Rex Grossman-esque in the loss and, in fact, the two quarterbacks share very similar numbers so far this year. At a quick glance, Grossman has only 1 TD to 6 INT's compared to Brees's 1 TD to 7 INT's. Wow...that's really startling, especially considering that we all know that Rex Grossman is awful. Surely, this is just a funk that Brees has entered in his brief Saint career.

The offensive line has been pretty shaky so far, something that was expected of them last year, when they were way underexperienced to NFL action. The defensive line has provided absolutely no pressure to opposing quarterbacks. Vince Young, on Monday night, was allowed to stand in the pocket behind his wall of Titan lineman and pick apart the Saints defense. The safeties have been no where near the ball, nor have they laid any hits on crossing receivers. All in all, the team has been "what we thought they were" last year.

The Saints have a week off, and the season isn't over by a long shot. Here is where Sean Payton will show off his giant manhood. With Deuce out, look for some creative packages and designed running plays that maximize Reggie Bush's running style. There will be more draw plays with three and four wide receivers. Look for the rookie cornerback out of Kent State, Usama Young, to get a lot of playing time in the weeks to come now that David is on the shelf. Also, Robert Meachem might see the field as Devery Henderson has been a supreme turd so far. There will probably be some roster moves in the coming week or so, and the Saints may get creative. Or, they might just ride this one out.

Side note: The San Francisco 49'ers recently signed KR/PR/WR Michael Lewis. Good for you, Beer Man. Good luck. Go Saints.

Cubs 3.5 Games Up; Saints Set for Titans

2007-09-24T07:08:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a couple days, and I know you've missed the plethera of poo jokes and male genetalia references, but The Dome was away for the weekend, catching up on some good ole fashioned Cubs baseball.

It seems that Lou is the kinda guy that gets it. It may be a day late here or there, but you have to admit, you'd never see Geovany Soto playing in front of Jason Kendall in the past regime, dude. Because, Jason is a veteran and he has experience, dude. And by experience, I mean he's seen many grounders to second base for that sweet 4-3 put out. Dude. My point is that it's entirely refreshing to see our beloved Thunder Matt getting starts during the weekend with Geo. Although some might loathe to admit it, Lou decided to give Ronny Cedeno a start and he singled and homered in three runs to help in yesterday's 8-0 win over Pissburgh. What's even sweeter is that these guys are getting chances to help out and they're actually coming through.

One more thing before I move on to the Saints...big ups to Sam Fuld, the kid who made that outstanding double play in Saturday's game to get Scott Eyre out of trouble in that inning. That may very well be the Cubs' play of the year.

The Saints take on the Tennessee Titans tonight on ESPN's Monday Night Football. I'm excited about the game, but the Saints really need to focus tonight because the Panthers and Bucs are poised to make this a two team race before the blink of an eye. Go Saints, Go Cubs!!!

0-2: Gotta be a Rope-a-Dope...Right? Right?

2007-09-17T07:52:00.001-05:00

Ugh. You knew that the Colts were probably going to beat the Saints in Week One. It's pretty much written in the United States Constitution that Peyton Manning win every game he ever plays in and also must star in every NFL commercial ever. I don't mind Peyton. In fact, I find him to be quite humorous. And, there's that whole 6'5", 245 lb quarterback with the laser, rocket arm thing he's got going. He's good...no, he's great. We get it. But, after the dismantling the Saints took two Thursdays ago, you really didn't expect a team of Sean Payton's to just bend over and spread 'em like they did yesterday againts the Buccaneers.

How stupid is the secondary in New Orleans? The Bucaneers threw to only one receiver...his name is Joey Galloway. Don't the coaches know that Galloway absolutely shreds this defense every time they play Tampa Bay? Hell, they might trot out another receiver just for semantics, sure. But, throw to another receiver than Galloway? Uheard of. From now on, I want to see five defenders all over Joey Galloway until the Bucs prove that they can do something else to beat us.

Next on my shit list is Jeff Garcia. Just when I thought we had burried this shitkicker for good in last year's playoff game against the Eagles, he resurrects himself from the dead and is now the new Joe Montana? Kiss my ass, you Sloth look-alike.

And finally...what the hell happened to this offense? I'll tell you what happened. We can't stop the pressure from getting to Drew Brees. Although he is fairly good at avoiding sacks by getting rid of the ball, pressure leads itself to many inaccurate passes and on rare occasions, interceptions. Not good for the whole "winning" idea. Our receivers can't catch this year, and our running backs can't hold on to the ball. It was just a terrible game all around.

The Saints are in last in the NFC South. However, with the three other teams at 1-1, that only puts the Saints a single game out of first with 14 games left on the year. Next up is Tennessee on Monday night. Let's hope to Jeebus almighty that this ship gets turned around...and quick.

The Departed

2007-09-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't one of those legendary TDIH movie reviews (though, be on the lookout for a review of a couple flicks I saw recently). This, sadly, is a report on one of my very best friends in the whole wide world...he's now one of the departed. He is...my XBOX 360. And, he's experienced what you see to the left, more commonly known (amongst the super breed of nerds) as the Red Ring of Death. This little gem occurs when an XBOX 360 undergoes an "internal hardware failure." Yeah, I know. Tragic.

If that isn't the worst of it, I consulted the XBOX help line and some robotron voiceover named Matt assisted me. Come to find out, the three red lights on the ring of light is a fairly common occurance, especially among the early models of the 360. At this moment, I was fearing the worse. Moreover, I realized that I bought my console off ebay, realizing that I probably don't have any kind of warranty. And, in fact...I didn't.

However, after going to the www.XBOX.com support website, I was able to register for a Windows Live account, thus registering my console with XBOX.com and getting me set up for a future of XBOX Live gaming, once my console is back in my graces, safe and sound. All I had to do was register a repair for my 360, and the good folks at Microsoft willl send me a prepaid box to ship it to their repair center.

To make this long story short, I've just sent off my console to the XBOX Texas repair center, and I'm hoping that the wonderful surgeons at the facility have no complications and all will be well. It's been a rough week since the ring of death hit, but with the prayers of the faithful and a few too many adult beverages, I shall survive.

Jeebus...16 To Go

2007-09-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

Forgive me, but it's Friday and I had the day off to enjoy good times with the little wife, some sushi, and a good movie (Beerfest--movie review to come), so I'm deciding to leave today's entry a little short and pretty much laxidasical.

The Cubs topped the Astros in Houston last night, taking two of three. They head to a world of jorts and mustard-stained muscle T's ("muscle" used loosely, of course) to face the Cardinals. Hopefully, the Cubs can scrape their bare asses across the grave that will be the Cardinals season this weekend and move ahead of the Brewers. Only 16 games left to a fairly mediocre season. But, in a season when piss-poor wins the NL Central, let's hope the Cubs can be the least bad team and make it to October. Finally. Yay?

Position by Position: Running Backs

2007-09-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is you little babies. I know all zero of you have been waiting patiently at your computers for today's "Position by Position" installment: Running Backs. So, I will thank you in advance for taking time out between porn surfing, self-violating sessions to have a look at this year's running backs class, which has changed a whole lot of nothing since last year, save for a rookie free agent making the squad. Alas...

Starting Tailback: #26, Deuce McAllister (Mr. Fantasy); Madden 08 rating of 89

In the 2006 season, Deuce rushed 244 times for 1,057 yards (a solid 4.3 yards per carry average) and 10 rushing TD's, while managing to catch 30 balls for 198 yards in the Saints' intriguingly diverse offense. Known as a fan favorite in the Dome, and a native of nearby Lena, MS, Deuce was accepted by the Superdome crowds as soon as he was drafted out of Ole Miss in a surprise first round selection by former head coach Jim Haslett in 2001, a year in which incumbent headcase running back Ricky Williams was still on the roster. Since then, Deuce has been a predominately power-style runner, when healthy, and a model citizen throughout his career. Never a problem child, Deuce welcomed the apparent movie star man child that is Reggie Bush last year and the two have teamed up to be one of the most formiddable one-two punches in the NFL since Draft Day 2006. Deuce has always been a team player for the Saints, and I hope that he can finish his career here, even though it may seem that Reggie is the heir-apparent to the throne in New Orleans. The Dome loves Deuce, and so does Mrs. Nutsack. 'Nuff siad.

Second String Tailback, #25 Reggie Bush; Madden 08 rating of 89

God bless the bumbling morons in Houston, TX. First, they help us after Hurricane Katrina, then they decide that some schmuck on the defensive line would be better for them than all-world running back Reggie Bush. Though, Reggie may be disliked and despised by some, he's done nothing while with the Saints to prove the notion. Hailing out of Southern California, one would assume he reeks of Leinartesque flamboyance and sporting the Pete Carrol smirk of "I'm better than you," however overconfident Reggie might seem, as long as he leaves it on the field, he's fine by me. Keep up the good work, Reggie.

Third String Tailback/Return Blocker, #27 Aaron Stecker, Madden 08 rating of 74

Stecker was primarily a backup third-down back last year, however playing a major role in special teams as a return blocker for Michael Lewis. Always giving 100% on the field, Aaron has proven his worth with reliable hands and a versatile power/shifty running style. He's a reliable backup for carrying the load if Deuce gets hurt, and it would be very interesting to see how Coach Payton uses him if that happens.

Fourth String Tailback, #23 Pierre Thomas; Madden 08 rating of UNRATED (Not in the game)

Pierre who? I'll tell you who. Thomas went undrafted out of Illinois this year, and the Saints signed him to a free agent contract after the draft. Despite the Saints picking former Ohio State running back Antonio Pittman in the fourth round of the Draft this year, what was considered a high value selection, Thomas beat him out hands down. Maybe the final straw was the Kansas City preseason game, where Pierre rushed for over 100 yards and showed the ability to break tackles and displayed superior footwork to Pittman's. Ultimately, Thomas may prove to be a good return man at best, but beating out a fourth-rounder for a roster spot is a vicotry in and of itself. Well done, young man. I sincerely hope you get your chance.

Starting Fullback, #44 Mike Karney; Madden 08 rating of 88

Karney's been with the Saints his entire career, an original draftee of the Jim Haslett era. A fine pickup he was, as he's been one hell of a lead blocker for Deuce and the gang. His coming out party may have been in Dallas last season, where he scored three touchdowns in that game, the only three of his career. Karney's one of the most underrated backs in the NFL, but I assure you he's widely known among the NFC South's defensive units. He's been a beast so far for the Saints, and I hope he'll continue his success for years to come. He's one of my favorite Saints, and a peculiar one I must admit. A smash-mouth blocker that will eat children, piss excellence, fart awesomeness, and crap asskickery, Karney is perhaps the best pure blocking fullbacks in the NFC, and maybe only second to San Dieog's (in French, it means "a whale's vagina") Lorenzo Neal, a former Saint himself (1993-1996).

Well, there you have it. Next up, a look at the Saints' receiving corps, which might take up all the space on the front page. I hope you knucklebrains are ready.

SIDE NOTE: The Cubs beat the Astros 3-2 in Houston last night, amidst the looming fury of then Tropical Storm Humberto. They moved back into a first place tie with the Beermakers, and with only 17 games to go in the campaign, who really would have thought they'd be this close? Go Cubs, Go Saints!!!

A Promise is a Promise

2007-09-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

I did promise a few friends a post for yesterday. I also promised another look at the Saints in the Position by Position series. That, hopefully, will become a reality soon...if you're good. Anyhow, since I really don't have anything relevant to say, here are a few things going on in the world of sports, and in the world in general, to go along with a moderately funny/interestingly disturbing picture. I don't know when, where or why this was taken, or if it is a doctored photo, but if it's real, the folks in the foreground re completely way too into themselves. Anyway, here goes the nieghborhood.

The New England Patriots, otherwise known as the love children of ESPN, are cheaters, cheaters, pumpkin eaters (sorry, Wrigleyville23). That's right, Belichick and the rest of the Pats were caught as a spy, on behalf of the Pats, was caught video taping the New York Jets' sideline. Boooooo...go to hell, New England. Take Hillary Clinton and the BoSox with you.

Saint Louis Cardinals former pitcher, turned outfielder/Barry Bonds wannabe Rink Ankiel was found to have used HGH, or human growth harmone, in his "comeback." Aaaawwwww...what a joke baseball is starting to be. As much as I hate Ankiel and the Cardinals, you have to wonder...if Ankiel took a year's supply of HGH and baseball is all over his back about it, just as he begins to see some success and can make a living out of being a real-life baseball player, why the hell can't MLB nail Barry for God knows what he took to become the next coming of Joe Young. By the way, since Barry isn't in the MLB Player's Association, his real name isn't used in video games. So, they actually use the name Joe Young. Please click the link on Joe Young...the irony is so ZING!

LSU is awesome at this crazy American sport called football.

I saw Super Bad. I'll have a review on it soon.

The Cubs are back in 2nd place. This will be followed by two days in first, three in second, two more in first, and me kicking myself in the gonads because I hate this team! But, really...just win the damn thing.

Britney Spears is old and fat. And obviously a retard. Sorry to all you retards, I know that comparison is harsh.

Okay, that's about all I got for now. Sorry for the lackluster effort. I'll try harder next time.

The Dome is Back

2007-09-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

Well, The Dome is back from vacation, and just in time to catch the Saints getting a gigantic scrotum thrashing by the hands of the Colts. Let's just say that the mood is somber at the moment...the Cubs (well, Dempster) blew a lead today and lost to fall to the Dodgers and tailspin into a first-place tie with the Brewers.

Drew Brees has been nothing special tonight, throwing for a little more than a hundred yards with a pick and a fumble so far through the fourth quarter. However, the biggest reasons for the bad showing tonight has to come from two areas: cornerback Jason David (who will now be called Fred Thomas, Jr.) and the offensive line. But, don't fret Saints fans. This Colts team is very special. They look amazing, and in rare form. I don't think this Saints team can compete, at their very best, with the Colts just yet. In any event, Fred Thomas, Jr. better remember what it feels like to be a professional football player soon, because if he doesn't, he'll be handwashing Fred Thomas' jockstrap for the next couple months.

Keep your heads up. The Colts are an amazing team, and it was an unlucky draw for this upstart Saints club. New Orleans never really showed up, and it can be concerning. But, this is one of the best teams in the NFC, regardless of what the Colts do to them. It's going to be a good season for the Saints, but let's not try to be blinded by last season's miracle. More to come, later, like the running backs "Position by Position" series, and maybe a few poo jokes and audible fart noises, if you're lucky.

Getting Used to Kicks in the Man Tackle

2007-08-30T10:58:00.000-05:00

Ugh. You see? Do you finally see? This is why I'm so "eh" about the Cubs in first place. I think it's because I'm not used to it. On a night when Ben Shits takes the mound after his 967th DL stint, the Cubs act like they've never seen the guy. Ever. Or that white, leathery orb thingy called a baseball. Should I hit it? Eh. Should I catch it? Eh. Should I throw it directly to another one of the guys wearing the same clothes as me? Eh.

I'm not going to get all doom and gloom over the loss last night, but when those millionaires turn in performances like that when they're playing a divisional opponent and both teams are contending for the lead in the NL Central, it just frustrates you to the point where you wouldn't mind punching a baby in the forehead. For some of us, (looking at bocaj) it takes less.

However disturbing last night's lollygagging joke of a game is to us, the fact remains that our gang of shitkickers are indeed leading the division (that no one wants to win) by 1.5 games in September (well, almost) with only a handfull of games left on the schedule. The rubber (stop the snickering in the back!) game is tonight, and let's hope the Cubs raise up on their feeble hind legs and donkey punch the Brewers in the throat muscle.

Also tonight, for your television and football viewing pleasure, the Saints take on the Dolphins in their final preseason game. Hopefully, Robert Meachem will show up and play well. And, finally...NCAA football is here. LSU kicks off the whole college season as they travel to Starkvegas to face the Bulldongs of Mississippi State. Should be fun.

One more note: The Dome and it's omnipotent creator will be on hiatus (vacation) at the beach for the next week, starting tomorrow. If you happen to be in Santa Rosa, Florida next week, be on the lookout for the guy wearing the neon-green wrestling suit/bananahammock. I'll be the guy kicking his ass. Go Cubs, go Saints and GEAUX TIGERS!!!

Cubs Win; Brewers Fall to Third as Cards Beat Astros

2007-08-29T09:28:00.000-05:00

The Cubs pulled another win out of the magic hat last night, beating the Beermakers 5-3, spiraling them back to third place in the NL Central as the Cardinals scrote-whipped the Astros 7-0 in Houston last night. The Cards are now at .500, in second place, and 2.0 games back of the Cubs. Dum, dum duuuuummm!

Soriano's back, and he claims to be 90%. I guess 90% of Alfie is way better than 100% of the clusterfuck that is Craig Monroe, the beloved Thunder Matt, Statue Floyd and whoever else's corpse Lou trots out there. Soriano also mentions that he'd be willing to bat wherever Lou asks him to in the lineup. Why the hell is Lou asking him to hit in a certain spot? Why isn't ole steel testicles yelling at him to bat 5th so that we can smash this division like we should have done weeks ago? Theriot did a fine job filling in the leadoff spot, but Alfie and his 0-4's are back with The Riot sliding down to 2nd.

I've mentioned a couple times that I'm just not creaming my shorts for baseball right now. And, I'm presumably insane for it. I'm insane for other things, and surely baseball is the least of my worries in that department. But, with the Cubs 2.0 games up on second place Saint Louis (really?), one would think I'd be shaking like Tweak from South Park with excitement. While I'm happy with the Cubs being in first place, especially in September, I'm still kinda...well..."eh" about the whole thing. After all this time and suffering and blood and guts and broken puppy noses I've put into being a Cubs fan, this is how I repay myself? By playing GRAW2 on my 360 during Cubs games? There was a time when I'd actually tune into Pat and Insane Ron Santo and listen to the game on MLB Radio (which I paid a hefty $15 for, thank you) while playing GRAW2 on my 360.

Maybe it's the newness of the upcoming football season. LSU plays some all-girl's college from Mississippi tomorrow night, and the Saints finish up their preseason schedule with a tilt against one of Saban's victims. Maybe it's that I'll be leaving for the beach at 6:30 am on Friday morning and I don't want the possibility of a Cubs meltdown ruining my good time. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful bastard and I should be taking in any good that comes from the Cubs organization, even if it turns out to be one giant cockteasing ballmasher. Maybe I just realized that this could be the season...Go Cubs.

PUBIC SERVIX ANNOUNCEMENT: It was brought to my attention from our buddies in the HJE! Shoutbox that it might be a good idea to seperate The Dome into two sites: The Dome 1.0 (the original), which would be dedicated soley to Saints football, and another, not-yet-created blog dedicated solely to Cubs baseball. What do you kids think? Send me your thoughts in the "Comments."

Position by Position: Quarterbacks

2007-08-27T08:29:00.001-05:00

Well, today I'll be starting a new "series" at The Dome. I'll be taking a look at the Saints position by position and ranking them against Madden 08's most assuredly accurate and astute observations and rankings of the same. Today's positional peek: Quarterbacks.

The quarterback is arguably the most recognized and followed figure on an NFL team. He's the cliche' field general, but that phrase is fairly accurate. When you think of how hard it must be to take a snap, run backwards for up to 7 steps, all while looking downfield and "progressing through your reads," then dodge 270 lb lindebackers and 330 lb defensive linemen all looking for that one chance they may get to decapitate you...avoid all those obstacles, and all the while assuming that all your linemen protect you from your doom, you still have to lead a pass to some woodenhead running at 15 mph followed/covered by one, two or three more woodenheads running at the same clip, and hit your woodenhead in the hands or right between the numbers. It just so happens that the Saints have one of the best guys in the business doing that for them.

Starter: #9 Drew Brees; Madden 08 rating of 95

All Drew did last year was solidify himself as one of the saviors of this franchise, while making a stand for being one of the best quarterbacks in all of football. He completed 356 of 554 passes (a 64.3 completion percentage) for 4,418 yards, 26 TD's and only 11 INT's for a 96.2 quarterback rating. Drew found reliable receivers in Marques Colston and Devery Henderson, but he also hit a multitude of targets during the season, spreading the ball around to Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister and all 73 of the guys who attempted to play tight end last season.

Drew has come to New Orleans and led this team on the field and off. He's been the biggest reason for this team's abrupt turnaround from worst to first, and has set the bar very high for the future of New Orleans Saints football. I know it's been noted of my shining, gooey mancrushes on Ryan Theriot and Thunder Matt Murton of the Cubs, but my one true love is Drew Brees. He's the proverbial "man" of this team, and as he goes, they go. Without him, we're screwed. Which leads me to...

Backup: #10 Jaime Martin; Madden 08 rating of 76

Well, Jaime Martin is pretty much the Anti Drew Brees. He's a statue in the pocket and has minimal armstrength. He has problems getting rid of the ball quickly, something Drew excels at. The Saints should be looking at alternatives to Jaime, because if Brees goes down with a long-term injury, Martin cannot be counted on to deliver anywhere close to the caliber of offensive production and consistency that Drew Brees can.

Third Team/Practice Squad: #3 Tyler Palko; Madden 08 rating of 66

Palko is an undrafted rookie free agent out of the University of Pittsburgh (Pitt Panthers) who will most certainly make the team as the emergency quarterback/practice squad quarterback. He's got a powerful left arm, can throw on the run, and is a rugged gamer who is very good at ad-libbing and making plays on the fly. Head coach Sean Payton must believe he can groom him as a solid back-up in the mold of Drew Brees, as Tyler possesses some of the traits Drew displays. If Palko had two or three years under his belt, he'd be ahead of Jaime Martin on the depth chart. However, with experience and reps, he could overtake Martin for the backup role at some point this year, and don't be surprised if he takes Martin's job for good next year.

So, there you have it. Our starting quarterback is a turf devouring sex tornado of awesomeness, and he can't be stopped. Lest he gets injured, the Saints should have a very good offensive season this year. Keep an eye peeled for the Saints to make a move for a backup at quarterback, as early as right before Opening Kickoff in Week 1. Up next in the "Position by Position" series, running backs, where I'll take a look at the wealth of talent on the roster for 2007.

You See What Happens When the Saints Are "Good?"

2007-08-24T13:15:00.001-05:00

Well, I know it's been too long since we've had a Saints-related post, but when the Cubs are in first place...well, let's just say you have better chances of picking a booger made of diamonds from nose than that happening too often.

So, while the Cubs are warming up for their series opener against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Saints just beat the ever-lovin' snot out of the hapless Kansas City Chiefs last night. As if living in Kansas City wasn't enough of a cock-punch, the looks of the football team are enough to make those folks want to jump headlong into their daily, 4:00 pm tornado.

Drew Brees and his birthmark were on fire last night. He completed 17 of 19 passes (that's a whole lotta 89.5% completion percentage), and if you take the reverse of that percentage, you get Rex Grossman's estimated completion percentage for the Bears in 2007.

Those 17 completions went for 182 yards and a TD to David Patten, who by all accounts and purposes, was a nobody for the last couple years. Patten cought 6 balls last night along with virtual unknown Lance Moore's 6 for 88 yards. Robert Meachem who? I tell you what, with the Bucs on the verge of cutting Michael Clayton, a former LSU grad from Devery Henderson's class, I'd expect the Saints to take a flyer on him. Who'd have expected Devery to have the more successful NFL career thus far?

The Saints look far and away light years ahead of all the competition over the last two weeks. The Chiefs were a 9-7 team last year, and the Saints embarrassed them last night. Granted, their quarterback is some hick from Alabama, but the Saints were near flawless on offense last night. Except for the two failed 4th and goals, they were unstoppable. Olindo Mare has been anything but the lonesome kicker thus far, as Sean Payton has instructed him NOT to kick the ball through the endzone for touchbacks just so he can evaluate his return team defense.

The Saints are all the rage on ESPN, which could be a dubious omen, but I have to admit that Saints fans have quite a bit to look forward to. This team looks really good so far, and I'm really excited about the upcoming season. I'll go out on a limb and say that they'll win the NFC South, or at least they should.

Temporarily Busy

2007-08-23T07:03:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a little slow around The Dome this past week, and I apologize. I also realize that none of you have probably noticed that it's been slow, but whatever. I've been "training" for work, trying to be a more complete and more well-rounded ass kicker. It's working.

So, since the end of last week, several sweet ass things have happened. I did indeed purchase that truck I was talking about, and yes my ass kickery skills came in handy at the dealership. Second, Abita Springs came out with a new beer, Abita Pecan Harvest Ale. I've got two six-packs in storage now, and am aiming to get some more. Also, mom Nutsack found Abita's Strawberry Harvest Lager and is hoarding some away for her son. That's what good moms do. The Saints are showing up in the preseason and the first teams are really kicking some ass. The Bears and that wreched monkey-person they call a quarterback really stunk it up against the Colts and the world's funniest quarterback. Lastly, the Cubs are in first place! Yes, that's right...the former laughing stock of MLB is now in first place, staying there without the injured Alfonso Soriano. Bad Kermit's love muffin has come up big since being taken off the DL, and my very own love muffin is doing the same in helping the Cubs set the pace in the NL Central.

It's been a good week, and I wish my dedication to the art of ass kickeration wasn't so meticulous, because I'd much rather be entertaining you people. I'll have a review of Abita's new brew after more "research." Enjoy your Thursday. The Dome will be back in full force (whatever that means) tomorrow.

Come on Dooooown, If The Price Is Right!!!

2007-08-17T08:59:00.001-05:00

Today, Mr. and Mrs. Nutsack travel East in an attempt to purchase a new truck, preferably a Toyota Tacoma PreRunner. Wish us luck, as I really hate dealing with cheesedicks and a-holes, especially when it comes to my hard earned money. Hopefully, though, the good people at the dealership and I will find some kind of compromise and I can roll through my neighborhood flossin' my icies in my...oh, forget it. Just wish us luck.

UPDATE 1.0: IN AN IRONICALLY RELATED STORY, WRIGLEYVILLE23 IS REPORTING THAT THE CUBS AND CARLOS ZAMBRANO HAVE AGREED TO TERMS ON A LONG-TERM DEAL.

UPDATE 2.0: IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED STORY, I KEEP HEARING THE WORD "VACAY," AS IN AN ABBREVIATED FORM OF THE WORD "VACATION." PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE ALL THINGS HOLY, STOP USING THIS WORD. I BLAME HOLLYWOOD...COMMUNIST BASTARDS.

Video Game Review: "Madden NFL 08"

2007-08-15T07:22:00.000-05:00

Well, nerds...the time has finally arrived. The draft has been completed, free agency has been...free agented...and training camps and meaningless preseason games are under way. In case you live under a rock, or are Mrs. Nutsack, you should all be well aware that Madden NFL 08 hit shelves at your favorite local video game retailer Tuesday morning at midnight. I've even heard of a few nerds actually going to Best Buy at midnight to purchase their copy. I get the feeling there will be a Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercial spot on the horizon for you folks. I digress. Last year's iteration was an abomination to the franchise, and with EA (Electronic Arts) owning the NFL license for the foreseeable future, any fan of the franchise had every right to be furious over the lackluster effort the game developers put forth in Madden 07. Would this year be any different? Well, who else to tell you, but your good friend Mr. Nutsack?

THE GOOD:

Call me old fashioned, traditional, conservative, or a pretentious a-hole, but I like core gameplay. I like the game to feel and look like it should, and how it is presented on TV (FOX is the very best at NFL TV presentation. It's fact). That means, I want the players to have realistic animations, look pretty spot-on compared to their real-life counterparts, jersey numbers to be correct, and accurate stadiums and uniforms. That being said, Madden 08 has done a pretty good job over last year's title. In Madden 07, you couldn't edit your player's attributes, accessories or appearance. This was a huge drawback for me (not to mention Marques Colston didn't appear in last year's game...whoops!). This year, fully customizable players are back. For instance...WR Robert Meachem's jersey number in the game is 85. However, if you've seen any Saints action this preseason, you know that Meachem dons #17. I can change that in this year's game, done and done.

Back to the on-field action. There's been much said about the new "branching animations" technology this year. What this is, in essence, is a small but vital detail in the core gameplay. In previous Maddens, a receiver would catch a ball, and the player would have to wait for the "catch animation" to conclude, then the player could hurdle...wait for the hurdle animation to conclude...and so on. This year, animations are much smarter. A running back will no longer run in place. He'll put a hand on the fullback's back and wait for blocks and running lanes to open. A receiver will now attempt sideline tip-toe grabs for first downs. Defenses will now gangtackle. And, more importantly, player models can enter and come out of context sensitive animations much more smoothly and quickly. It's a very fine touch, and is the biggest improvement and huge stepping stone for the Madden franchise and it's core gameplay.

The menu is fairly easy to use, but the depth charts and player editing menus can get a bit tedious. However, the menu music is outstanding. You can even choose which songs to include in your menu sessions. The list includes all of those great NFL Films tunes, some remixes of those tunes, and some new stuff from people I haven't heard of. The NFL Films music is immersive, and I applaud EA for putting that in the game. Great touch.

I haven't checked out Franchise Mode or any of the Minigames, but I'm sure they don't disappoint. Franchise is just a glorified Season mode, where you can take the franchise through 30 years, move it to a new city, sign/release free agents over the years, and build your dynasty.

THE BAD:

Presentation, presentation, presentation. Will there ever be as good an in-game, on-field presentation as put forth by the team at 2K Sports with their release of NFL Football 2K5? I mean, they had the ESPN Sunday Night Football graphic overlays, in-game graphical progress reports of your players, third down conversion rate graphical overlays, and the ESPN Sunday Night Football commentary team. And, the game was $20.00 for your PS2 or original XBOX. This year's Madden has some lame-duck stadium announcer that sounds like he's locked up in a meat locker in Ted Lilly's basement and vurtually no graphical overlays. That year, 2K Sports stormed EA's football simulation kingdom and knocked Madden off it's high horse. 2K was on a roll, and was looking to topple the Madden franchise for good. It's no coincidence that EA quickly gobbled up exclusive rights to the NFL licenses, crippling 2K's franchise for the foreseeable future. EA's been putting forth lame titles of Madden since then, and the gaming world has had enough. Until they learn to somehow get that presentation aspect of their game down, every Madden from here on out will forever be compared to 2K's 2005 footballer.

Lastly, I haven't been able to play a whole lot of the game, but I've yet to see where I can make formation-based substitutions. For instance, if I'm playing with the Saints, I would like inside linebacker Mark Simoneau to play in the 4-3 and 4-6 run defenses. However, I'd like the other inside linebacker, Brian Simmons, to play the position in the nickel and dime pass defenses. I've yet to figure out or see how I can make these substitutions. I've only seen depth chart substitutions, where I can substitute Brian Simmons for Mark Simoneau for every single defensive formation, which is not what I want. Once again, I could do this in a $20 PS2 game in 2K's NFL 2K5, but I can't do this in a $60, next generation Madden 08 game? Ridiculous. Get it straight, EA. You're pissing a lot of people off.

However, given these small bruises, Madden 08 is definitely the best next-gen football sim on the market. It's got a lot of good qualities, and the core gameplay is solid, if not stellar. On the other hand, the presentation (graphical overlays, etc.) of the game just lollygags and is pretty lame. Formation-based substitutions need to be implemented, because I'm tired of having my starting corner play gunner on punts and then be too tired to play the following set of downs on defense.

I don't know when EA's dominance over the NFL license ends, but when it does, I will be very happy to see new life breathed into the football sim forum. EA's been pretty weak thus far with it's Madden franchise, and for a company with all the rights to the game, I expect better for my $60. That said, I reiterate that Madden 08 is a good, solid game. Don't expect THE Madden experience, but still, it's a good one. If you are a fan of football and enjoy the on-field action Madden gives, go out and get Madden 08.

TDIH Video Game Rating: 4.25 "Telestrator 'Boom!'s" out 5.

Wake Up America, It's MADDEN 08 TUESDAY!!!

2007-08-14T07:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I have to admit...I'm in a ferver today. It seems as though some little video game thingy, as Mrs. Nutsack would say, has hit shelves at midnight while I was sleeping last night. Yes, kids, it's the long awaited arival of Madden NFL Football 08 for the XBOX 360.

I'll be a good American and pick up my copy today, probably when the doors open at Best Buy, and Judo-chop all the nerds to get to the front of the line and secure my spot as head nerd of all nerdness. Anyway, after I play the game and get a feel for the gameplay, graphics and sound, I'll post a TDIH first "Video Game Review" for this year's Madden football iteration.

One last thing...for those four of you that frequent TDIH (and by "frequent," I mean "skim over to stay updated"), you may notice several "characters" showing up in the comments section. These are turdnuggets from other Cubs sites who happen to allow me to lower their standards of reading by hitting up The Dome from time to time. So, welcome to all newcomers. As always, comments and criticism are welcome, so feel free to leave your best. Be on the lookout for a review of Madden 08 sometime tonight or tomorrow morning. If your really would like a review at this moment, check out IGN.com's video review of the game.

What Really Grinds My Gears

2007-08-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

It's now time for another installment of "What Really Grinds My Gears." Today's episode: Keeping Cliff Floyd in the Field in an 8-2 Ballgame.

Last night, the Cubs lost to the Astros at Minute Maid Park, 8-2. Cliff Floyd, the human statue, was allowed to remain in right field for the entirety of the game. Now, what really grinds my gears about this is that two very young and very athletic and very agile young men were brought up from AAA Iowa to play the outfield for this team. What I don't understand is why neither of them were used, say in the latter innings when Luke Scott came to the plate and jacked a two-run triple over a jogging...well, it could be yogging...could be a soft "j"....over the head of a yogging Cliff Floyd's head.

We all know, and certainly Lou must as well, that Cliff Floyd couldn't outrun Ron Santo, and Ron's got no legs. In fact, I bet a young Forrest Gump could outrun Clifford, even without his magic legs.

I'm not saying that putting Eric Patterson or Felix Pie or even Jock Jones in RF would have guaranteed us a win last night, but either one of them would have gotten underneath that ball and prevented at least a run from scoring. More importantly, my point is that Cliff Floyd is done as a regular player. He can't move out there and he should only be spot-starting and pinch hitting. Do I have a solution? Hell no. But, there are about 47 outfielders on the current roster, and I'm sure Lou can figure something out.

The Brewers got pounded yesterday, losing 19-2 to the hot Rockies, whom the Cubs travel to next. The Beermen are handing this thing over on a silver platter and the Cubs are turning their noses up at the dish. They better wake up, because opportunities to give their fans what they want have been few and far between in the team's history. Let's go, Cubs. Wake up and smell first place, and stop grinding my damn gears.

Sleepin' on the Sofa Bed at the Saloon

2007-08-08T07:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks as though your good friend In a Nutsack gets around town pretty good. While hanging around the Hire Jim Essian! Shoutbox, I ran across a friend from another Cub blog. We'll call him Chip Wesley, and he's the main conributor, head cheese, and lead boss a-hole at a great site called Thunder Matt's Saloon. The Saloon is a great place to find Cubs and general baseball news, as well as sporadic but well-put movie reviews and rants. Anyway, Chip begrudgingly asked if anyone wanted to do a guest spot on the Saloon, and of course, me, being the Johnny Drama that I am, jumped at the opportunity. So, I typed up a few lines and shot them Chip's way and lo and behold you have this, my very own personal "VICTORY!"

So, big thanks go to Chip and the rest of the bartenders at the Saloon for allowing me to lower their standards on the grandeur of their stage. Raise a glass and all hail Thunder Matt.

Movie Review: The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-07T12:29:00.001-05:00

Matt Damon's come a long way since his Good Will Hunting and Rounders days. And, he was pretty solid in those flicks, as well. Then come Robert Ludlum's Bourne series of books, of which the main character is...you guessed it, Jason Bourne, played by Matt Damon.

I haven't read any of Ludlum's works, so it's hard for me to compare the films to the books. That could be because I'd rather get a swift kick in the babymaker than read a book. Why stare at words for a few days when you can look at pretty pictures for 'round-about two hours?

As you all can probably agree, the first two films were pretty damned action-packed and fairly well casted. In Ultimatum, the action is fierce and, to a certain extent, "mindbottling." The director, Paul Greengrass, must be a big fan of "shaky camera shots," because I almost spewed kittens during the chase/fight scenes. It evidently got the best of Mrs. Nutsack, also, as she had a small bout of low blood sugar near the end. One sugar-crammed Airhead later, and she was back fighting the good fight. However, it didn't detract from keeping with the plot line and following along, it just made you wonder when the chase scenes would end so that you could regain your senses.

Matt Damon is, of course, outstanding as the film's hero, Jason Bourne. And, you also find a little more about Jason's life before Treadstone and how his former self connects to another character in the series. Julia Stiles makes yet another appearance as the appropriately cute Nicky Parsons. She's dynamite in the movie, as well. Then, there are your peripheral characters like David Strathairn as Noah Vosen, some kind of big-wig of a government agency, and Joan Allen as Pamela Landy, another kind of big-wig of a government agency. Strathairn is adequate at best, and Allen is only slightly better. They do play large parts in the "B" story in the plot line (not a bad thing, though), but fortunately Damon and Stiles are so good you rarely notice Strathairn and Allen's inadequecies.

I don't generally agree with Damon's views on...say, wordly concerns...however, I tried not to think about that as I paid my unGodly and wildly overpriced $8.75 to sit in an unfomfortable chair and listen to old people cough up lungs. Like I said before, the predecessors to Ultimatum were very successful and entertaining cuts, and the third falls right in line with an equally good story. To quote a great line from Paul Rudd in The 40 Year-Old Virgin, "I used to think Matt Damon was sort of a Streisand, but I gotta say he's rockin' the shit in this one." Touche'. Touche', indeed.

TDIH Movie Rating: 4.5 's out of 5.

A Fish Called Wandy

2007-08-07T07:30:00.000-05:00

Wandy Rodgriguez? Really? Seriously? REALLY?!?! The Cubs whiffed 9 times against a kid named Wandy? Wandy went 8.0 innings and only gave up 4 hits and struck out 9...yeah, 9 Cubs last night. Unbelievable.

I was utterly disgusted with the highlights I saw last night. It was like watching the beginning of the end. I know, I know...I shouldn't go into a mental tailspin, but the Cubs have lost 5 of their last 7 games and the offense and pitching has been atrocious.

And, for an additional refreshing kick to the cods, as if Cubs fans are used to nothing less, LF Alfonso Soriano has a "1 cm tear" in his quadriceps and will require additional time (4-6 weeks instead of 2-4 weeks) to heal. Lou said it may be some time around Labor Day for Soriano's return, and possibly could take him out for the remainder of the regular season. That smarts. The Cubs recalled some kid named Eric Patterson, who is the younger brother of former Cubs "5-tool" prospect Corey Patterson. Turns out, Corey couldn't make use of his five tools and decided to melt them into one bigger, stubborn and free-swinging tool called...Corey Patterson.

Anyway, the Cubs are excited about Corey's little brother, a 2B prospect who turned to playing the outfield in his last 10 Triple-A games. He's hit .299 with 23 doubles, 6 triples, 14 HR's and 62 RBI and 16 stolen bases. He does sound very promising, but who knows how he'll be used in the coming month to two months.

Well, with Soriano out for the foreseeable future, our man Ryan Theriot has moved into the leadoff spot in the lineup. Last night, he managed to rap 2 hits in 5 chances and didn't strike out once. In fact, so far this season, he's only struck out 32 times out of 344 AB's, and has a walk-to-strikeout ratio of 35/32. He walks more than he strikes out. That's going to keep you in the majors for some time. He's played admirable defense and has a very good approach at the plate, and looks to be a good solution to the shortstop position for this team for quite some time.

Sean Marshall takes on Woody Williams at the Juice Box tonight, and the game should be carried on FOX Sports Southwest, the Astros local affiliate. After striking out a total of 13 times last night, lets hope the Cubs can push Woody from the game early tonight and post a 10 spot for Marshall. The Brewers continue to implode, falling 6-2 to the Rockies last night. They remain one game ahead of the Cubs in the NL Central.

C'mon, Cubs...it's so close, and the Brewers are making it so easy. Just man up and take the damn, thing, huh?

You Know What Grinds My Gears?

2007-08-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

It's now time for an entry in a "series" I'll be calling "You Know What Grinds My Gears?" Now, I know...the word "series" implies that I'll actually have to keep up with it and keep posting so that you all (all 4 of you) can get your TDIH fix.

Well, if you don't know who the bag of dicks to the left is, his name is Dane Cook and he is a supreme, Grade A knuckleheaded cuntmuscle. I, for one, hate this guy. He's supposed to be a comedian, but I find him annoying and completely unfunny. And afiminate.

Anyhow, somebody thought that it would be a good idea for Dane to "star" in commercials promoting MLB's postseason. First things first, there's only one promoter of professional sports' postseasons--Don Cheadle. Don's been doing the NFL's commercials for some time now, and he's ligit. And people...y'know...actually like the guy. Dane, on the otherhand, needs to be shot in the face. IN THE FACE!

MLB, please find another spokesperson. I know Dane is "in" with the chicks, but check your market. Chicks dig the longball, not some douchebag who throws on a Red Sox hat and calls himself a fan.

Wild Pitches for Jesus!

2007-08-02T07:58:00.001-05:00

The Cubs are in first place today. Wait...let me say it again...THE CUBS ARE IN FIRST PLACE TODAY! No, I'm not talking about my version of the Cubs on MLB 2K7. I'm talking about the God's honest, streaking, make you wanna get neked and run around your neighborhood sportin' a red, white and blue boner for your 2007 Chicago Cubs. Are in first place. First place. By percentage points, mind you, but who gives a shit?

Needless to say I'm high on life right now. And Cialis pills and Jesus. The Cubs are in first place.

First place.

Thanks, Brett Myers, for the lovely wild pitch that scored the beloved Thunder Matt Murton, and gave us our sole share of first motha-f'in place.

Cubs 7, Phillies 3; Cubs Remain 1.0 Game Back of Beermakers

2007-08-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

Last night, the Cubs took the second game of the series from the Phillies. Jason Marquis was nothing short of lame last night, as he went 6.0 innings, gave up three runs, all earned, walked three and struck out four and gave up a homerun to Pat Burrell's corpse. The bullpen was great last night, as Ohman (using "great" and "Ohman" in the same sentence has got to be breaking the laws of nature), Marmol and Howry tossed 3.0 scoreless, and more importantly, walkless innings.

What's more important last night were the amount of walks Cub hitters compiled last night--five. Five walks. Somewhere, Dusty Baker is shaking his head at those "clogged bases."

Mike Fontenot had a pinch-hit, RBI single, raising his average to .311. I'd like to elaborate on Mike for a minute...I know when he got called up, he was hitting a robust .400 (round-about). He's levelled off a bit since that time, now back down to an Earthly .311. However, if your batting average comes down and mitres off around .300, you'll remain in the bigs for a long while. I hope he can keep it up and maybe have a chance at winning the 2B job next year. There are many "ifs" in that kind of scenerio, like free agency additions to the outfield, which affect where Mark DeRosa plays. If the Cubs can get a viable option in right field, be it a free agent or somebody like Matt Murton, then DeRosa most likely will be rooted at 2B with Theriot growing in to his role at SS. Not too shabby, but hopefully Mike will remain on the squad for quite some time.

The Brewers did win last night, as they edged the Mets in 13 innings, crushing Tom Glavine's hopes of a 300th win. Tom's wife was in attendance at Miller Park, and as the Mets fell, she had this look on her face like "Oh, shit...I came all the way to Milwaukee for this crap?" Priceless...

Well, the Cubs and Phills go at it tonight at 7:05 in game three of the four-game set. The pitching matchup is the 73 year-old Jamie Moyer versus the 13 year-old Rich Hill.

One more note...The cocktease cometh. He was strong in his outing for AA, and is expected to be added to the Chicago bullpen in the next couple days. A very, very pleasant surprise. Here's to you, Kerry...Mr. "Have 17 Surgeries, Yet Never Give Up on My Mountains of Talent" Guy. Beware...I hear he eats babies.

Go Cubs.

Wine and Baseball

2007-07-25T20:44:00.001-05:00

I really don't know what the fuck that thing is in the picture, but it looks as though the Tin Man boinked a wine bottle and I decided to post the end result. However, I write to you tonight in sheer bliss.

I get home, and after mowing the lawn, take a nice warm shower, hit the kitchen for some sweet meatloaf and broccoli, watch yet more episodes of "Entourage," then saddle up with a Barefoot Chardonnay (I'm a beer guy, but for some reason I craved a little white wine for the evening) for the Cubs and Cardinals on the four-letter network, deuce edition.

So, there I sit...sipping on vino and watching the Cubs rally in their half of the fifth inning to the tune of a 6-1 lead over the Satanic Fowl. Genius LaRussa's only answer is to sit in the corner of the dugout with those sweet Blueblockers on and scratch his left asscheek trying to trigger thoughts from the right side of his brain. Anywho, the night couldn't be better...the Cubs are leading the Cards 6-1 in the 6th and there's a great lightning show going on outside to cap it all off. Here's to the Cubs putting the finishing touches on the Cards tonight.

By the way, baseball's equivalent of the largest cocktease on the planet has been lights out in Single A ball, and with some luck and a few "Hail Mary's," the K-Kid could be up as early as next week. For one thing, I think he all but deserves it. It's been nothing but a crap shoot being Kerry Wood in a Cubs uniform, and though it's the only uniform he's ever known as a Major Leaguer, I hope he finally finds a healthy groove and can get back to this team and guide the bullpen to the postseason....and, maybe...just maybe...some October festivities. Football, be prepared to take a backseat if the Cubs make the Series. It could be one of the signs of the Apocolypse. It'd be a good trade.

Hug It Out, You Little Bitches

2007-07-24T21:01:00.001-05:00

My laziness hasn't been fruitless...the little lady and I have been spending a lot of our free time catching up on the first three seasons of HBO's "Entourage." We picked up the show in the latter stages of the third season and were immediately hooked. For me, it was looking at Eric's ex-girlfriend, Sloan. To quote a good friend of mine, "wow-wah-wee-wah!" Oh, yeah...I would.

But, more importantly, the show is just plain good. I don't have to tell that to you, because any human worth his salt knows that HBO is the Mecca of good television. Everything else is just plain bad. I've always been a fan of TV...but, now...HBO has spoiled me. I know, there are such shows as CBS's "The Unit" and some little peice of shit show called "24" on FOX.

Back to "Entourage." Arguably one of the shows most intriguing and fun characters to watch (beside Drama, of course) is Ari Gold's assistant, Lloyd the Gay. That's not his official title or anything, but if the shoe fits...

The show's characters interact very well with one another onscreen, from Turtle's blatant Drama-bashings to E's subtle "yeah, rights." The chemistry onscreen must be due to the sheer fun the cast must have...I bet those guys are living large out there, and watching them do so on the TV screen keeps me coming back for more. If you don't have HBO, spring for the extra $10 package from your local cable affiliate, or hit up ebay for each season's DVDs.

So, there you have it. I haven't just been sitting on the couch picking lint out of my belly button, I've been sitting on the couch picking lint out of my belly button while watching "Entourage." VICTORY!!!

MENTAL NOTE: I'll try to post more often. I've said it before, but I think that the demand for this blog has been overwhelming. I'll do my best to appease all four of you. In that light, expect more than just baseball talk. Maybe a few movie reviews...maybe a few hot chick reviews...maybe some beer reviews. Who knows...however, the majority of the content on this site will remain sports related, specifically on the Cubs, Saints and LSU athletics. Keep reading...and leave comments, damn it. How else am I supposed to know that I rock the camel's ass?

From the TDIH Newsroom...

2007-07-24T12:55:00.001-05:00

Well, it seems that I've been away for quite some time. That's not true...I hadn't gone anywhere, I've just blatantly abandoned the site. Shame one me...and, shame on you for wanting more. You know who you are. Anyway, as if the interweb wasn't clogged with useless nonsense from know-it-alls of all walks of life and Al Gore, TDIH will ~~resume it's regularly scheduled broadcasts~~ attempt a comeback of higher frequency posts, shorter, quippier dialogue, and tons and tons of poo jokes. Hey, ~~America~~ erwhitey...you asked for it.

Update (with no picture): Rumors Afoot

2007-06-21T12:44:00.000-05:00

Well, according to my most trusted site on sports information, Rotoworld.com is reporting several things of interest. The first is this: The Oakland Athletics have designated OF Milton Bradley for assignment, meaning that Milton will have to accept his demotion or become a free agent. The most likely scenerio is that Milton becomes a free agent, regardless of his injury history, especially with a line of .292/.373/.446 in only 65 AB.

The reason this is intriguing is because Rotoworld is also claiming that the Cubs and Rangers have been discussing a deal that would involve Jock Jones, and that a compromise could be completed in the next couple weeks. Now, the two circumstances are quite intertwined...Jock is due, and I may not be completely accurate here because I couldn't find reliable information, $4 M this year and $5 next year. Milton Bradley is due $4 M this year and is a free agent at the end of the year, plays the same position as Jock, and can do the same things that Jock does. One more little thing to mention...Milton Bradley is a much, much, much better player than Jock. The tradeoff is that Jock is less injury prone and a little less of a headcase than Milton.

I know that many contenders will be content to take a flier on Milton Bradley, I just hope this doesn't prohibit the Rangers from nixing a deal for Jock. Anything that gets him out of town and Thunder Matt back in Chicago is fine by me. God, I hope no Rangers personnel reads this.

Barrett Heads West; Cubs Get Younger, Yet Still Suck Donkey Scrote at Baseball

2007-06-21T07:22:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't already heard, the Cubs have sent their deranged catcher, the freakishly strong white guy in the picture bieng restrained by someone only known as "Master," to the San Diego Padres in exchange for some two-bit knucklehead catcher named Rob Bowen and another 19 year-old Single A OF named Kyler Burke. If that name sounds like a girl's name...well, it is. But, Kyler is a dude, but he's hitting a girl-like .211 with 1 HR and 22 RBI in 213 AB for his former Fort Wayne affiliate. I'd say the Cubs should have traded for Kyler's twin and much hotter sister, Skyler Burke, and they might end up with a better return. Wink, wink.

Anyhow, Rob Bowen is a switch hitter with the potential to maintain a .260 average and hit 10 HR and maybe muster 40-50 RBI in a season. He's not the answer at catcher, but he'll be a capable backup for the Cubs once they address their catcher need via the trade deadline this year or in free agency next year.

A lot of people hated on Michael Barrett for being a bit of a vegetable behind the plate, but what he lacked in defense (and, it was a lot), he sorta-kinda made up for it at the plate. He averaged about a .280 line with 16 HR for the Cubs in this 2.5 years with the ballclub. I, for one, didn't mind his poor defense behind the plate because he was a solid hitter. But, this year, he couldn't overshadow his defense by punching people and that ultimately lead to his demise in Chicago. I hope that when he returns to Wrigley in the future, he gets slightly mediocre standing ovation, because that's what he deserves. Not boos...not wet-yourself adulation...but just the mere "yeah, he did what he could and really liked being in Chicago" appreciation. Mike worked hard, really wanted to be good behind the plate, was well liked by his teammates, even after punching them, and loved the fans at Wrigley. To a man, he'll be slightly missed.

He's best known for punching A. J. Eyechart in the face last year and he became an instant phenomenon among the Cub faithful. I don't think the Cubs made a bad move trading him away, as he'll be a free agent at year's end and the Cubs had no intentions of resigning him. But, selling this low may not have been the right move. Anyhow, they get another backup in Bowen, and given that Hank White's neck is giving him problems this year, it looks like the Cubs will have to search for a surefire starter...and soon.

Good luck, Mike...take it easy on the West, huh? They're kinda soft over there.

Props to Wrigleyville23 for giving me a mention on his site.

Inventing New Ways to Do the Same Ole Thing

2007-06-13T07:03:00.000-05:00

Cubs lose tonight in 13 innings to the Seattle Mariners. In the 8th, they failed to score WITH THE BASESE LOADED AND 0 OUTS!!! This, on a night where the Brewers were no-hit by Justin Verlander and the Detroit Tigers, the Cubs could not make up any ground and remian 4.5 games back. By tonight's standards, it might as well be 100 games back. Michael Barrett is an awful defensive catcher, and he is making his case to be replaced. I like the guy...he wants to be a Cub. He wants to play well and provide a winning team for the fans. He enjoys the previlidge of playing at Wrigley Field. But, hell...I would enjoy all these things, too. But, that doesn't make me a good catcher, now does it?

I don't know what else to do but sigh and forget about it. Maybe something good will happen tonight. One more thing...Kelly Pickler is hot, but not a singer. That rendition of the "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was dreadful, not to mention the awkward conversation in the booth with Len and Bob. Keep the faith, Cubs fans...I know it's hard when this team is circling the drain as it is now.

Outfielders O'Gluttin'

2007-06-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Cubs placed 3B Aramis Ramirez on the 15-day DL with a bum knee and removed OF Cliff Floyd from the bereavement list. This move is quite significant in that the Cubs 25-man roster now contains six outfielders. An interesting question now arises...what will they do? Well, since we're talking Cub here, only Jim Hendry in his Krispy Kreme tower knows the answer.

A popular opinion in Cubdom is that Jock Jones should be traded, released, designated for assignment, tarred and feathered, deloused, euthanized...whatever it takes getting his lame ass of the team. I'm all for that. I don't think he has any trade value, so in order for him to be taken off the roster, his salary will most probably have to be eaten by the Cubs. Since Hendry likes to eat, I hope he follows my line of thinking.

This brings me to Thunder Matt. Let me be the first to say I dig redheads. I'll just leave it at that. So, any trade involving Matt Murton will make me cry a river. Or, at least sniffle really loudly. I want nothing more than for Thunder to turn around his season, which has been spent on the bench sitting next to Little Cesar, Rothschild and Trammel and fighting the urge to poke his eyes out with a rusty rail tie. Poor feller...

With Ramirez out, Fontenot and Theriot should be starting up the middle, and DeRosa will fill in admirably at 3B, with Little Cesar spelling the SS position as necessary. The bullpen, though stretched the past two games in Atlanta, will be okay due to Zambrano's big game last night and having Lilly and Marquis available for spot duty since their outings were cut short--Marquis for sucking and Lilly for attempting to haunt Edgar Renteria's dreams for eternity.

One more interesting note...Hank White has a herniated disc or something (you'd think I'd want to actaully look that up...eh, not so much) and is also on the 15-day DL. He took batting practice Monday, and is taking it slow. His injury, if severe enough, could be career threatening. It's a longshot, but if Hank is out for a prolonged amount of time, coupled with Barrett's forgettable and embarrassing "defense" behind the plate, could open the door for a catching prospect to make his way into Chicago in the coming months/offseason. Jarrod Saltalamacchia? Probably not...but, a ~~girl~~ guy can dream, right?

Cubs, do the right thing...cut your losses with Jock Jones. I think Murton should at least be platooning with Cliff Floyd in RF, Soriano in LF and Pie in CF for the remainder of the season. Angel Pagan has proven that he can play good defense, hit in situations, and lay down a bunt if need be. He also has blazing speed and run in certain situations. Just a thought...

Clean Baseball, Ladies and Germs...Clean as a Whistle

2007-06-11T10:08:00.000-05:00

A Lot Can Happen in 2/3 of an Inning

2007-06-10T19:42:00.001-05:00

Tonight's game versus the Atlanta Braves is off to a great start. In the first 2/3 of the Braves' half of the first inning, Ted Lilly was ejected for "intentionally throwing" and hitting Braves SS Edgar Renteria. This, according to the home plate umpire, was in response to Tim Hudson's beaning of Alfonso Soriano in the first inning of last night's contest. Who knows if Lilly meant to hit Renteria, but the pitch sure looked like it got away from him. In fact, he was fresh of a K of Kelly Johnson and ground out by Yunel Escobar. Renteria promptly responded by stealing second and throwing his body at a defenseless Mike Fontenot. If you ask me, both the home plate umpire and Edgar should beware of finding themselves hanging from a hook in Ted Lilly's basement. He'll also eat your children.

Needless to say, if I were Fontenot, I would have punched the ever-lovin' shit out of Renteria. But, he was a better man than I and took the bowling over like a man. Also, the umpires thought nothing of Renteria's run-in with Fontenot at second and cooler heads prevailed, but the slide was clearly intentional as he went in with cleats up.

So, to begin the game, the umpires sabotage a Ted Lilly start and allow Edgar Renteria to throw himself at our players. Since I don't think any of our players are gay, Edgar might be up shit's creek. Because he's a turd. And turds are shitty. Eat shit, Edgar. Here's to him getting a fastball right in the small of the back tonight. Go Cubs.

One more thing...why is Jock still playing baseball for this team? Please, get rid of him. Please.

Screw This, I'm Outta Here

2007-06-07T07:35:00.001-05:00

According to Wrigleyville23, who is posting an "according to the New York Post" (ewwwwwww), the New York Post believes the Cubs could put Mr. Met (that's Carlos's new name, thanks to Wrigleyville23) up on the auction block. In a similar story, the Mets' giant erection just reached climax.

I don't know what to make of this, because the New York Post believes that the region it serves is the only region in the vast universe worthy of coverage. But, if Mr. Met were traded to the Mets, I'd be in favor of the deal if it included the Cubs getting Mike Pelfrey and and another prospect in exchange. That is all.

BREAKING NEWS: Pie is Good

2007-06-07T07:23:00.000-05:00

In a related story, the Cubs are also good when Felix Pie plays baseball games for them--to the tune of a 3-1 record since his recall from AAA Iowa. Since being called up by the Cubs, (The New) King Felix is a strong 8 for 20, hitting .400 with 1 HR, 3 RBI and 1 SB. Just yesterday, Felix went 3 for 5 with a single, double and HR, 3 RBI and a stolen base. His 3-run HR in yesterday's contest sparked the victory for the Cubs. Oh, yeah...Carlos Zambrano was on, getting a win in the decision.

This is an open cry to the Chicago Cubs National League Ballclub to keep Felix up for good this time. Adding him to outfield automatically raises the profile of the defense and the lineup. He's a true five-tool player (remember the other guy?) and will add to a push to the National League Central Division Championship. Let's just hope Donut Boy can take a breath from shoveling pastries in his face to drop Jock Jones from the roster and add a bullpen arm. God help us.

That's Going To Leave a Mark

2007-05-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

Losing 9-0 to the Marlins? Good God. And, I thought I'd be sweet and try to follow the Houston Astros this year as well...it's my feeble attempt at not letting the Cubs get me totally down on baseball this year. Man...the Astros are even worse than the Cubs as they dropped one to the Reds last night, their 10th in a row.

Look, fellas. Turn this thing around. I look forward to baseball season all winter, even during football season. This is, after all, all about me and Wrigleyville.

The Hiroshima Approach

2007-05-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

Well, the Cubs are just plain awful at this point. At an impressively limp-wristed and wet-noodled 22-28 record so far this season, the 2007 version of the Chicago Cubs need to be broken up...bombed...dismantled...have their accrued Schrute Bucks spontaneously deducted (WARNING: The value of a Schrute Buck is not equal to the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns).

Okay, so maybe they're not "awful," but the White Sox have been shown on WGN as much as the Cubs this year. WTF? As much as I like Lou Piniella, I think he's got to go as manager. Maybe he can stick around as a designated base-chucker. Maybe the team's lunatic? Bowl-chair occupier? How about Vietnamese nail solon tester? Needless to say, I have a soft spot for crazy and Lou's kind of crazy is what the Cubs could use in some capacity.

So, my idea is to explode the current version of the Cubs, pick up some of the remaining valuable pieces, rob the farm club of some cheap and usable talent, and play out the remainder of the year as Joe Girardi as manager. As of now, the Cubs roster contains Michael Barrett and Henry Blanco at catcher. Derrek Lee and Daryle Ward (and his nice rack) at 1B. Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot and Cesar Izturis at 2B and SS. Aramis Ramirez at 3B. The outfield is a giant clusterfuck, what with the likes of Clifford Floyd, Jock Jones, Thunder Matt Murton, Angel Pagan and Alfonso Soriano.

Of those guys, you obviously keep the cornerstones of the franhise in Ramirez and Lee. Next, Theriot obviously stays because he is the master of time, space and dimension, and he graduated from LSU. Honestly, though, the kid hits for average, plays adequate enough defense, and can steal you a base. He plays smart and plays with passion, something sorely missing from the Cubs as a team for quite some time. You either make him your starting SS or 2B. Thunder Matt stays because he has red hair and Lou called him "adorable." Alfie stays because the Cubs owe him upwards of $138 M for 8 years. You call up Felix Pie because he's obviously the crown jewel of the minor league system and is a true 5-tool player. He's hitting .406/.467/.604 and is really scorching PCL pitching with the Iowa Cubs in AAA. He plays defense like he was born in CF and has a 50-cal sniper rifle for an arm. He likes the pink mist. Next up is Eric Patterson at 2B, the younger brother of the dreadfully bad Corey Patterson. He's got killer speed and defense, and he's also pretty handsome. If it gets the wife watching more baseball, I'm all for it. Micah Hauffpair and Scott Moore could both use some MLB time, as they seem MLB ready. Since they're both 1B/3B-type players, they would have to shift to the outfield to make them more useful and versatile. As far as catchers go, I hear that Joe Mauer kid is pretty good.

Next are the pitchers: Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill, Sean Marshall, Mike Wuertz, Scott Eyre, Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol, Ryan Dempster and the rest of the gas-can carriers. First off, Sean Marshall and Rich Hill stay because they're left-handed, and they look like they're combined age could be around 20. Wuertz stays because he has a killer slider that, with the right coaching (there's a novel idea) could be groomed into a closer's role. Eyre and Howry have suddenly lost the mental capacity it takes to actually be a pitcher, so they're out. Dempster's been okay, but if he warrants a good return, pull the trigger. Lilly, Marquis and Zambrano would all look good in New York pinstripes. Zambrano would warrant a return comprable to the GNP of Luxembourg alone. The Mets would wet themselves knowing that Z would be on the block. So, if the return is great enough, I'm sorry to say that I'd watch Z leave. Sorry big fella...please don't kill me and feed my remains to stray dogs.

Well, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been away for a while. I promise it'll get better. A big thanks to my good friend over at Wrigleyville23 for giving me here at The Dome is Haunted a mention on his site. If you like short, snappy, and funny, check him out.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention calling up Mike Fontenot as a utility man. He's crushing the PCL as well and will add speed, depth and versatility to the bench. And, he's another former LSU Tiger. Hooah!

Snatched From the Jaws of Victory; Pirates Display Public Affection

2007-05-09T08:06:00.000-05:00

The Cubs fell last night to the Pissburgh Pirates, 4-3, in 15 innings. Ryan Dempster blew a save in the ninth, allowing a Nate McClouth walk to come around and score on a sacrifice fly by short stop Jack Wilson. Lame.

I guess Alfonso Soriano runs whenever he wants. I listened to the game via MLB Radio, since WGN has decided that televising good baseball is so Atlanta. Like, fer sure. Anyway, I happened upon the moment in the game where Fonsie was on first, stole second, got moved over to third and then failed to score on a medium depth pop fly. Granted, this was the first inning, but if you make $136 M, you better be scoring some damn runs. He's starting to heat up, though, and that's a good thing.

Next up are the Pirates again today. Pitching matchup: the Pirates will send what looks to be an inbred in Tom Gorzelanny (4-1, 2.97 ERA) to face our new sort-of ace, Jason Marquis (4-1, 2.09 ERA). Many folks in the Cub Blog Army have given Marquis knicknames for sucking, or something, but so far he's been more consistent than Carlos Zambrano, the face of the franchise. If Jason can keep the tail and sink to his fastball, he'll do just fine this evening.

Let's hope that last night was just an anomoly, but know how Cub the Cubs can be, who knows.

ESPN are a Bunch of Cockgobblers

2007-05-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

So, I know everyone was expecting some very interesting, insightful banter on my part about the recent ~~circus~~ spectacle that was the 2007 NFL Draft. I know you guys really care about my thoughts on the Saints and their draft this year. I know you want to know what I think about new wide receiver Robert Meachem and the possibility of the Saints nabbing up recently released wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson. That'll come, children...be patient and stop throwing tomatoes and other assorted vegetables at your computer screen.

But, I've got a little bit of a chip on my shoulder today. My wife and I watched the Draft last Saturday and Sunday, and I have to say that ESPN has turned it into one of the most over analyzed bull squash-laiden sessions of grab ass I've ever witnessed. I thought the Draft began at 11:00 CDT. After all, that's what my guide told me on the TV. What it didn't tell me was that the 11:00 hour of ESPN's "coverage" was just a bunch of cornholers talking about what they thought might happen when the Draft actually started at noon. So, I had to sit through one hour of Mel Kiper's helmet hair, Chris Berman's nonsensical knicknaming and Keyshawn Johnson saying how he can't wait to get back on the field in a Panther uniform...was it just me who got a raging boner when the Panthers released him the following Monday? Good for them.

That's not the worst of it, though. Today, when I got back home from New Orleans, where I muffed up Audobon Golf Course, I had time to catch the 5:00 edition of Sports Center. Well, if you haven't heard already, Roger Clemens has signed a prorated $28 M deal with the Yankees. Big freakin' deal, I say. But, it's ESPN's complete and utter ridiculous purple throbber for all things Yankee/Red Sox that just makes me sick. Look, buttplugs, the rest of the "flyover" states really don't give a crusty rat's ass about the stupid Yankees or Sox. Never mind the fact that the Milwaukee Brewers are setting the pace in the National League and that the Atlanta Braves are yet again charging the NL East or that the Chicago Cubs have won 8 of their last 9 games, but still trail the Brew Crew by 5 games in the NL Central...no, Roger tap-dancin' Clemens gets to bring his undersized cock and oversized ego back to Yankee Stadium and ESPN thinks it's the greatest thing since...well...Roger Clemens brought his undersized cock and oversized ego to Yankee Stadium.

They spent 40 of the 60 minutes of Sports Center talking about Roger and his minute genitalia. That's unheard of. I'm beginning to loathe ESPN with every ounce of my being and if they don't satisfy their sexual affliction with all things New England I'm going to boycot them. It's getting out of hand. If only FOX could realize what ESPN's doing wrong and create the same kind of show, but for "the rest of us." I'd watch.

Anyway, more to come on the Saints and their draft. And more Cubs wish wash, too. They won in 10 innings today, sweeping the Nationals at Wrigley Field this weekend. But, don't expect to hear that kind of nonsense on ESPN. Cockgobblers.

Fell Off the Jetway, Again...

2007-04-13T07:24:00.000-05:00

Well, ~~Mark~~ Martia Prior is...gasp...hurt...again. It's a familiar song and dance for this guy--report to Spring Training, fling a towel in some made-up drill, pitch 10 innings or so, don't make the Opening Day roster, pitch in first extended Spring Training game, ~~get sand in vagina~~ injure shoulder, crush dreams of Cubs fans across the country.

Remember that part of the opening scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber when Harry and Lloyd both get to their apartment at the same time? Their conversation goes a little something like this:

Harry: Hi, Lloyd!

Lloyd: Hi, Harry!

Harry: How was your day?

Lloyd: Fell off the jetway, again.

Harry: So, you got fired again, eh?

Lloyd: Oh yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know?

Harry: Yeah, well I lost my job, too.

Lloyd: Man...you are one pathetic loser! No offense.

Harry: No, none taken.

Now, just replace the names Harry and Lloyd with Mark and Kerry, and you have a conversation between the former twinkle of the Cubs' organization's eye. Yesterday, Mark Prior was supposed to throw 45 pitches or 3 innings (or whichever came first) in an extended Spring Training game. Strangely, he had to leave after two innings because of "shoulder soreness." Well, warm up the bubble wrap. Get the whirlpool swirling...Mark's comin' back to his happy place--the disabled list.

This year is no different than any other for Mark and Kerry. The fragile hurlers haven't contributed to the club in years. However, we Cubs fans have wisened up to these shenanigans. We are no longer relying on Kerry and Mark to take us to our destiny (somewhere between the NL Central cellar and our own personal hells). No, this year we have guys like Ted Lilly and Jason Marquis--solid starters who can eat up innings and keep the team in games on a consistent basis. Looks like this strategy is doing just fine...the Cubs are 3-5. Woof. Look, it's not the end of the world. The season isn't over only 8 games in. So, I'll keep my head up and continue watching and listening for Cubs nonsense. Because I like my baseball with a side sharp pain, projectile diarrhea and that burning sensation when I pee.

I really hope that Mark and Kerry can turn it around and get healthy. But, if this baseball thing doesn't work itself out for them, I say they stay in town and save up their money for the worm store.

And God Rested on the 7th Day...Then Woke Up and Said "Play ball!"

2007-04-02T08:06:00.000-05:00

Today is the greatest day on the face of the planet for me...today is...Major League Baseball's 2007 Opening Day. So, fuck you...don't call me tonight because I'll be watching the DVR-ed Cubs vs. Reds game afte work. Also, I hope none of my coworkers want anything to do with me between the times of 1:10 PM CT and 4:00 PM CT, because I'll be listening to the game on MLB Radio. Yeah, I paid for radio. So what?

Actually, the first game was played last night between the St. Louis Satanic Fowl and the New York Metropolitains. The Cards lost, 6-1, and the Cubs now lead the division by 0.5 game and are also leading the Wild Card race! For a day...and then...well, you know. Anyhow, the Cubs spent near $300 M this offseason on making the team a winner. But, they'll all be weiners if Mark Prior can't come back and pitch and pitch injury free for the entire season. Anyway, enough of the poo jokes and ambiguous references to male ginetalia...it's Opening Day! Catch the ~~fever~~ virul infection that is Cubs baseball.

An Open Letter From Me to the Chicago Cubs: Start The Riot!!!

2007-03-29T14:16:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, Ryan Theriot (that's where "The Riot" comes from...see, 'cause his last name is Theriot...and it spells...you should've gotten it by now) is a former LSU baseball player under Skip Bertman. Ryan was selected by my Cubbies in the third round of the MLB draft in 2000--the same draft that saw Mark Prior selected in the first round by the Cubs. Not a bad draft.

Anyhow, last year Theriot made it up to the bigs and in 134 at-bats, he hit .328, had an on-base percentage of .421 and slugged .522 with 3 HR, 16 RBI and 13 SB, walked 17 times to his 18 K's. Just to let you know, 134 AB's aren't a lot to garner you a starting job in the majors, but they are enough to raise some eyebrows. Granted, his time in the majors last year was on a pitiful 63-99 ballclub. However, those 134 AB's aren't where Ryan's success for the Cubs ends. This Spring Training, The Riot has appeared in 22 games hit an even better .358 AVG, had an on-base percentage of .413, slugged .552, hit 7 doubles and three triples with 8 RBI's and was 6 for 6 in stolen bases. He walked 6 times and only struck out 5 times. In short, he's continued his outsanding play and has made the Opening Day 25-man roster for the Chicago Cubs.

There's a catch...Ryan plays the middle infield positions (2B and SS), primarily, and has learned all three outfield positions during the Spring. He's been named the Cubs "super-sub." He's mostly been a 2B through his short MLB career, however if the Cubs knew what was good for them, they'd start The Riot at SS over "Little" Ceasar Izturis and keep Mark DeRosa at 2B in 2007.

To put it another way, I have a giant new man-crush...it's you, Ryan Theriot...you lucky son of a bitch. I mean, c'mon...look at him. He's handsome, he's fast, he's smart, he has twinkling pink moonbeams in his eyes, his farts smell like fresh honeydew mellon, his tears taste like Strawberry Harvest Lager, and he raises injured kittens and finches from certain death. Why would you not start him?

In reality, if Ryan keeps doing what he's been doing over the end of 2006 and the start of 2007, he could very well push Ceasar Izturis to the bench and warrant himself a starting gig on a MLB team...not just any team...but, the by-God Chicago titty-fucking Cubs.

If any of you know Jim Hendry or Lou Piniella, please tell them to please Start the Riot! I'm just sayin'...

LenDale White, Giant Sack'o Ass Potatoes

2007-03-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

In a Yahoo! Sports article, LenDale White, former USC "second fiddle" to Reggie Bush, reported to Tennessee Titans offseason conditiong program at an astonishing 260 lbs. LenDale finished the season in 2006 weighing in at a Deuce-ish 230 lbs.

At USC, LenDale was a pretty good bruising compliment to Reggie Bush, and he proved his worth as a high draft pick by the Titans in 2006. For the Titans in 2006, LenDale appeared in 13 games and only rushed 61 times for 244 yards and caugth 14 balls for 60 yards and an astonishing 0 touchdowns.

In 2007, White was supposed to compete and subsequently overtake the cold corpses that Tennessee calls running backs and start. Granted, wieghing in at 260 lbs. isn't one of the seven deadly sins, but at running back? Some have done it before, but for LenDale White this is LenRidiculous. LenIn fact, I LenBelieve that if he doesn't LenLose LenWeight, he'll be Lenwishing he'd joined LenWeight Watchers instead of sitting on his couch and playing countless hours of Super Mario Kart and eating fried chicken wings, topped with cheese and jalapenos with ranch dipping sauce...mmmmmmmmmm. That's hot.

So, instead of running over NFL defenses in 2007, LenDale will be riding a stationary bike and picking lent out of his belly button on the sidelines. In one offseason, he went from "almost as good as Reggie Bush," (which is pretty damn good), to being this guy:

LenDale, you're a world class athlete that got paid in college (because USC pays it's players...fags) and is making an assload of money playing in the National Freaking Football League...the least you could do is hop on a treadmill while watching "Pimp My Ride." You should be ashamed of yourself. You should also take a page out of your former comrade's book and work your ass off, even though you have the God-given talent of making NFL defenses look like retarded animal babies drowning in a swimming pool...or something. I hate to see that much talent being thrown away. I guess he figures he's made his fortune, why should he work for it? Some guys have all the luck...they just all seem to have heads full of nanner puddin'.

Kerry Wood Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Revisits Summer Home, Located on Disabled List Island

2007-03-27T11:46:00.000-05:00

It's true. It's happened to us Cubs fans, again. Kerry Wood will start the 2007 season on the disabled list, and reports from the Chicago Tribune are claiming he would be lucky to return in June. Jesus titty-fuckin' Sanchez, what the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have the exact number of times he's visited the DL, but this is getting to be son-of-a-bitchin' ridiculous. For those of you not familiar with Kerry Wood, here's a refresher: he's the guy who struck out 20 Astros in one game in 1998 and in the same game missed no-hitting the Astros by one measely little Ricky Gutierrez knub-shot between short and third...lucky little twerp.

Forgive me for not writing about the Saints that often in the past weeks, but as I mentioned before it's baseball season and I'm a huge fan of the game and of the Chicago Cubs. That's why Kerry Wood heading back to the DL is so damn frustrating...no, it's heartbreaking. You see, in Cubdom Kerry Wood is one of the most beloved. He seems like a nice guy and also has a smokin' red hot wife, who if you were to rate her ass on a scale of 0 to 100, it'd easily be a 94. Plus, HE STRUCK OUT 20 GUYS IN ONE GAME!!! For your information, the Major League record for strikeouts in a game was set by Roger Clemens at 21. That's un-freakin-beleavable.

In 2003, when the Cubs made it to the National League Championship Series (NLCS) against the Florida Marlins (the eventual champions of that year), Kerry was the only pitcher to actually show up. Save for Alex Gonzalez's error in turning a double play (after the Bartman chaos), the Cubs could have won the 2003 World Series on Wood's arm alone. However, the error proved to be fatal and Derrek Lee (then of the Marlins) stroked a double and that was that.

Wood is tough as nails. He'd take on anybody at anytime and probably physically beat the ever-lovin' shit out of anyone who dares fight him. But, that doesn't make him a good pitcher. When he was in high school, Kerry was forced to pitch...no, start...both games of a double header. There's the rub...that's where things went wrong. He should have realized this was a bad idea, but instead let it ride. He appeared in a Cubs uniform and then was a human, living, breathing heartbreak ever since.

I hope to God that Kerry can someday overcome the injuries that have plagued his Major League career. I want so badly for him to be a big part of the Cubs in 2007, because this year seems so promising. I don't want to wait until June to be heartbroken again by a Kerry Wood injury. I think they should just bubble wrap the kid and call it a day. But, he might suffocate...or something. Anyway, get well soon, Kerry. And, send us a postcard.

Why My Wife Loathes Me...and Why I Don't Post Very Often

2007-03-22T07:24:00.000-05:00

Well, this is totally unrelated to the Saints or the NFL or football. But, alas...it's baseball season. And I love baseball season. When I was in college, I used to skip class (this was a purposeful skipping of class) to watch Opening Day baseball. All of it. In all it's glory and splendor. There's nothing like watching the Pissburgh Pirates playing the Washington Nationals and all their naivity. The looks in their eyes is so...hopeful. But, the chances of Pissburgh or Washington or Tampa Bay or Kansas City making the playoffs are about as good as an American orphan baby being adopted by Angelina Jolie (see, 'cause she only adopts the foreign babies).

I purchased the video game you see pictured. It is 2K Sports' latest baseball iteration, namely Major League Baseball 2K7 for my beloved XBOX 360. Here's the deal...MLB 2K7 is arguably the greatest baseball simulation I've ever played. The team at 2K Sports completely overhauled player animations, player faces and models, jersey physics, and stadiums. And, the hard work payed off. Now, to the part that keeps me from writing to all you good folks: I decided to play Franchise Mode, where I chose a franchise and play all it's games and sign and release and demote and promote all its players and set ticket prices and buy scouting reports...it's so great.

Naturally, the franchise I chose was the Chicago Cubs. However, I thought (get ready for a trip inside my head) "Why don't I just do a league-wide draft of all the players and see what happens?" So, that's what I did. What happens is all the players in the game get put into a pool and each team takes a turn drafting players. It's like the NFL Draft, except it's baseball and the players are already professionals. The players, along with their current contracts, are picked by all 32 teams in MLB. I could choose to control from 1 to 4 franchises. I only chose the Cubs, and here's the strategy I used: select young players that have a lot of upside and very low salaries. Here's the roster I got from the draft:

Lineup:

1. CF Felix Pie

2. 2B Ryan Theriot

3. 3B David Wright

4. 1B Nick Swisher

5. LF Matt Murton

6. RF Brad Hawpe

7. C Jeff Mathis

8. SS Khalil Greene

9. P Pitcher

Bench: OF Jeremy Reed, OF Reggie Abercrombie, IF Chris Woodward, IF Pete Orr, C J. D. Closser, 3B/1B Scott Moore.

Starting Rotation: Mark Prior, Johnathon Papelbon, Carlos Zambrano, Adam Wainwright, Matt Capps.

Bullpen: CL Kerry Wood, Johnathon Broxton, Brian Tallet, Horacio Ramirez, Wade Miller, Jonah Bayliss.

My budget for the 2007 campaign was set by my owner at $135 M. My expenses, including my team's salary and the purchasing of scouting reports, is currently just under $50 M. Average ticket price at the always sold-out Wrigley Field is $25.50. My current net profit for the year is projected to be more than double my expenses. Life as a Cub is pretty damn good. Not too shabby...currently, I'm 13-5, and leading the NL Central by 2.0 games over Milwaukee. Great success. It's loads of fun, and maybe I play it a little too much...but, we all have our "things" and being virtual owner of the virtual Cubs makes my wildest dreams come true....or something. If you have $60 hanging around the house, spend it on this game for your 360. I highly recommend it.

Charles Grant Unhappy About Being "Franchised"

2007-03-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

In a related story, the sky was reported being "blue" this morning, the sun rose in the east, and monkeys still can't talk. But, they're working on that...As I've mentioned before, being the "franchise" player, or being a player slapped with the "franchise" tag guarantees the player an average of the top five yearly salaries at the position. Which means, Charles Grant us crying over an excess of $8 M dollars. To quote my good friend, Dr. Evil (we're tight, we go way back) "Boo, frickety hoo."

Why am I writing about this? Because, I created this blog and I can do whatever the f*ck I want to do...and, there's a story floating around that Charles has scheduled a meeting with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Now, before you get your panties all wadded up, hear this: If the Bucs are to sign him (which they can still do, even though the Saints franchised him) and the Saints decide not to match the offer, the Buccaneers will be forced to compensate the Saints with two first round draft choices, which would include the #4 pick in this year's draft. This would not affect the Saints' current draft choices. This would be an addition to their draft picks for 2007.

Um, all I got to say about that is good riddance, Charles. You're replaceable. Hell, you can be replaced with either one of the first round draft choices the Saints would receive, if the Bucs were stupid enough to do this. However, my source, Rotoworld, reports that a trade might be a more likely scenario. In that case, the Saints should ask for two first round draft choices and call it a day. But, that's pretty outrageous. However, if the Bucs wanted him bad enough, then the Saints could make away like bandits on this one. The only drawback is that the Saints would now have to face Charles twice a year because the Bucs are in the NFC South with the Saints. So? The Bucs are in such bad shape right now...they could 3 Charles Grants and still not be good.

In other news, the Dolphins are thinking of persuing WR Terrance Copper. Please....take him. Sorry, Terrance.

Update: Kaesviharn Can Sack, Too

2007-03-14T09:48:00.000-05:00

An update on the newest Saint...Kevin Kaesviharn can also sack the quarterback, as he's seen in the picture above dry-humping Texan quarterback David Carr. My wife has a crush on Carr, and it looks like she had competition on this day. Nice work, Kevin...

Saints Report: Saints Sign Safety/Defensive Back Kevin Kaesviharn

2007-03-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Saints came to a contract agreement with former Cincinnati Bengals safety and defensive back Kevin Kaesviharn. In 2006, Kaesviharn intercepted six passes in a limited role that grew into more playing time with the Bungals (I misspelled that on purpose 'cause I'm whitty like that).

In 14 games with the Bengals last year, Kaesviharn tallied 64 tackles, 50 solo. He had six interceptions and one forced fumble. He should fit in nicely in the Saints defensive backfield, as second-year safety Roman Harper, an alum out of Alabama and the Saints' second-round pick in 2006, nurses himself back to the field after suffering a torn ACL.

Welcome, Kevin, and I hope you enjoy your stay in New Orleans.

In other news, the Saints have met with former Seahawks wide receiver Bobby Engram. During 2006, Engram caught 24 balls for a whopping 209 yards and one touchdown.

The Saints also have set up a meeting with former Colts wide receiver Brandon Stokely. Stokely is a native of Louisiana, as he attended the University of Louisiana-Lafayette during his college days. Hurt most of last year, Stokely only grabbed 8 receptions for 85 yards in 4 games. However, Brandon has proven during his time in Indy that he can get open over the middle and underneath the defense and isn't afraid of taking a lick. If he is recovered from his injuries, he would be the third wideout and slot receiver in the rotation, and would probably stick around to finish out his career as a Saint.

One more note: The Saints have set up a meeting with former Chargers, Buccaneers and Jaguars wide receiver Keenan McCardell. In 2006, McCardell had 36 catches for 437 yards in 14 games and no touchdowns. McCardell is 37 right now, and he's basically been the AFC's version of Joe Horn. I know Joe will never be replaced, but McCardell wears #87 and is 37 years old...I'm just sayin', that's all.

The Saints do need veteran leadership at the wide receiver position, and I'm not convinced that Terrance Copper should be counted on to contribute in 2007. I'd much rather see the Saints sign two of these guys, and the two I would want them to acquire are Stokely and Engram, who can still be productive. However, don't be surprised if the Saints grab a wideout with one of their 6 picks in the first 145 picks of the 2007 NFL Draft. That's a pretty good percentage of the best players in the Draft, and given last year's success of Sean Payton's first class, this one should be that much better. I'm looking forward to it. You should be, too.

Saints Report: Former Asshole Becomes a Saint

2007-03-13T07:59:00.000-05:00

Let me get this straight before the guy in the picture (right) finds me and tears me a new scrote...I'm not calling Eric Johnson, former 49er tight-end, an asshole per say, but he was a 49er and therefore he is guilty by association. See, as far as I'm concerned, anybody who remembers Saints football in the late 1980's and 1990's remembers the 49ers--they were the cocksmokers of the NFL. They always got the referee's calls in their favor and always beat the Saints, when both teams were in the same division--the NFC West. That damn Jerry Rice...anyway, I digress.

Okay, so back to actual news that you would maybe, kinda sorta care about...a little. The Saints signed this guy, Eric Johnson (not an asshole any more), to a 1-year, $2.00 M contract to compete at tight-end with Billy Miller. Johnson was a serviceable tight-end for the 49ers for the past four years. He was a 7th round draft choice of the 49ers in 2001 out the NCAA football powerhouse of Yale. At least he's smart...right? Right?

Last year was Johnson's worst as a pro, as he gathered in 34 receptions for 292 yards (a 8.6 yd/catch average) and 2 touchdowns. However, 2004 was his most productive year when he caught 82 passes for 825 yards (a 10.1 yd/catch average) and 2 touchdowns. When healthy, Johnson should be as usable as every other tight-end the Saints have had in the past 7 years or so, and that's not saying a whole lot. However, the potential is there. Coupled with the pass-catching skills of Billy Miller, Johnson should be a welcomed part of the receiving corps.

In other news, the Saints have signed MLB Brian Simmons, formerly of the Cincanatti Jailbirds. Brian is a productive, 31-year old veteran of the NFL and he's slated to move into the starting role at MLB, replacing the solid Mark Simoneau. Together, the two should form up a solid linebacking corps that overachieved in 2006. However, if the linebackers continue to improve and play well, 2006 will be less of a farce. Now, if we can only get a cornerback that doesn't fall down on every play or get burned routinely. That would be nice...yeah. Sigh...

We Got No Jobs, No Food....OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLIN' OFF!!!!

2007-03-08T07:49:00.000-06:00

Well, all I have to say is "SON OF A BITCH!!!" How sad are the Falcons that they continually gather up Saint rejects? And not only that, but Saintly Saints....the best of the best Saints. First, it was Bobby Hebert...damn. Then, it was Morten Anderson...double damn. Now, Joe freakin' Horn? Are you kidding me?

Look, I was 100% okay...check that...99.34% okay with the Saints releasing Joe this offseason. And, the remaining 0.66% of my unsuredness had to be the Falcon Factor. Those sons a bitches...I knew it would happen. They always do it. The sad thing is, if Joe thought he was growing unhappy here, wait until he gets more passes leading him into 230 lb. safeties from Mike "It's Just Aquafina" Vick.

Joe, I hope you finish your career a happy player. I hope things work out well with the Falcons, because you deserve it. You were a great player here in New Orleans, and my undeniable man-crush on you kept me watching the Saints through the Aaron Brooks era. Guh...gives me shivers just thinking about that. By the way, how's that little project working out for you, Raiders? No...not good? Oh...nanny, nanny boo boo.

Saints Rumblings and Shat

2007-03-05T13:33:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, it was reported that the Saints signed RT Jon Stinchcomb (pictured, right) to a 2-year, $7 M contract. After his first three seasons were spent being injured, Jon stepped into the starting lineup along the, then considered shaky, Saints offensive line. However, Jon established himself to be one of the most reliable and steadfast members of an impressive and very youthful offensive line in 2006.

This is a big signing for the Saints, as Stinchcomb will be locked up through 2008 and can hopefully further establish himself as a stallwart of an up-and-coming offensive that features former first-rounde LT Jamal Brown. Keeping these two book-ends on the line are very important in keeping Drew Brees safe and sound in the pocket for years to come. Let's hope that the others on the front five continue to improve.

The Saints also tendered contracts to WR Terrance Copper (pictured, left) and DT Rodney Leisle (I didn't misspell that, that's actually his last name). Copper was fairly clutch for the Saints in 2006. He caught 23 balls for 385 yards and 3 TD. The Saints acquired him from the Cowboys before the beginning of the season. Overall, Terrance Copper was a nice addition to the Saints. He, more times than not, did his job. He caught when thrown to and did an adequate job of blocking for Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush.

Leisle was a fill-in for DT Hollis Thomas, who was suspended for four games for "violating the league's substance abuse policy." Whatever...look at Hollis (picturd, right). He's a blob...there's no way he was 'roiding. Anyhow, Rodney Leisle did an adequate job of filling in for Hollis, however Thomas's absence was sorely missed. Judge Leisle how you may, but he's a warm body and anything will do at defensive tackle for the Saints right now.

Speaking of Hollis Thomas, he was signed to a 4-year deal worth $12 M. At 33, 4 years sounds a bit long for a veteran at this age, but again...defensive tackle is a must in a Saints defense that must stop the run, and Hollis helped tremendously in this area.

DE Charles Grant was franchised by the Saints, meaning he'll make an average of the top five players at his position, which his $8.66 M for 2007. This implies that Charles Grant is among the top five players at defensive end in the NFL. I don't think that Grant is in the top five at his position, but keeping him is a good idea for the Saints, so the money will be well spent. Hopefully, Grant will be able to perform next year and warrant a long-term deal and prove his worth in the top five at defensive end.

Also, OLB Scott Shanle was signed to a 4-year deal worth an undisclosed amount. Shanle was a godsend at linebacker for the Saints, as he recorded 98 tackles at his position and is now locked up through 2010. In other smaller news, TE Billy Miller and DT Antwan Lake were resigned. Miller emerged as Drew Brees' favorite TE target at the end of the season, amassing 14 receptions over the last 4 or 5 games and was a frequent look of Drew during the playoffs. Lake was a capable back-up to Hollis Thomas and Brian Young at defensive tackle.

LB Terrence Melton and CB Curtis DeLoatch were not tendered contracts, and they both become unrestricted free agents. Melton was a capable and reliable special teamer, but he sometimes made idiotic mental errors and personal fouls that would cost the Saints dear yardage. DeLoatch was a special teamer and is best known for recovering the Steve Gleason blocked punt against Atlanta in the home-opener on Monday Night Football that caused the roof to fly of the Superdome. Neither will be missed.

UPDATE: The Sporting News is reporting that the Saints won't release CB Fred Thomas, who was routinely picked on and victimized by opposing teams' offenses and was always falling over his own two feet. If you ask me, running while not tripping qualifies you as a good football player, and since Freddy has yet to prove he can do this...well, you do the math. I personally feel that Thomas is a goner, but if he is retained it will be in a nickel back or dime back role. The Saints will address the cornerback position in free agency and the upcoming April NFL Draft.

Stay tuned....two posts in one day--it could be a record or something.

Joe Horn Thinks That Sean Payton Was Mean to Joe Horn

2007-03-05T08:49:00.000-06:00

So, it's now official. On March 1, 2007, the Saints released the finest receiver to grace the black and gold. Joe Horn is now an unrestricted free agent. We all expected this because I predicted it with a previous post, geniusly entitled Free Fallin', and we all read this blog with the utmost attention, enthusiasm, and anticipation. Right? Eh...right? Um-hm...I thought not. Anyway, in an interview plopped in the Fayetteville Observer, Joe Horn refers to himself in the third person and claims that Sean Payton is a poopy-head and was mean to him. Here's what Joe Horn thinks Joe Horn's problem was at the end of last year's injury-riddled season:

“I just don’t think (head coach) Sean Payton wanted me back. I asked to be released because I felt betrayed by a head coach who wanted to prove he could win without Joe Horn.”

Classic. Let me first get this out of the way. I love Joe Horn. On the day that Joe Horn signed Joe Horn's free agent contract with the Saints, he referred to himself in the third person. From that day on, I knew we had something special. Joe Horn was my favorite Saint of all time. He was an enthusiastic member of one of the NFL's most putrid and mediocre franchises. He brought life to the city of New Orleans, in the football sense, and made watching the Saints worth it for the rest of us. I respect him as a person and a football player, and his antics and performances on the football field will be missed. In fact, the sad truth is that those performances had been missed for over a year now.

Joe's season last year started out okay, but he completely fizzled as he came down with groin, knee and ankle injuries. The fact is, Joe is getting old. It's a tough pill to swallow for someone like Joe Horn, but he should take two and call me in the morning.

If Joe feels that he'd been wronged by Sean Payton last year, then fine. Something tells me there's more to this story that's being told. I think Joe got different treatment under the eye of Sean Payton than he did under Jim Haslett. Jim didn' have much control over his players, but Sean Payton tends to equip the taser on woodenheads that don't seem to get it. Nowadays in Saints land, if you aren't with the coach, then adios. And, I'm fine with that. It's good for the Saints, and it lends itself to a better product on the field. Don't forget, Sean Payton will open-hand bitch slap your face if you fuck up. Don't even think about it...

So, I'm going to miss Joe Horn. Hopefully, Joe Horn will miss the Saints. News and rumors around the NFL have interest in him being drawn from the Jaguars and Falcons. If he goes to Jacksonville, then fine. However, I don't want him to pull a Bobby Hebert and head to Atlanta. By the way, Bobby never was a Falcon...pppfffffffttttt.

Lastly, I want to apologize for not writing in...well...months. But, baseball season is upon me and I'm catching Cubs fever. I'll have an update as I'm considering creating a Cubs blog. But, I'll also try to keep you guys up to date on Saints information. There's much to talk about as free agency in the NFL is under way and the Saints do indeed have holes to fill...especially the glaring one left at starting wide receiver. Stay tuned kids...more to come.

I Met a Great, and He Never Was a Falcon....ppppffffftttttt...

2007-01-26T09:22:00.000-06:00

Before the Sugar Bowl, where LSU showed the Notre Dame Flailing Irish why the SEC is the most challenging and competitive NCAA conference in the nation, I met one of New Orleans' finest football heros. The one, the only.....drum roll, please.....the "Cajun Canon," Bobby Hebert.

Bobby Hebert was one of the most loved and successful Saints players in Saints history. He wore #3, and may be remembered for the Seinfeld episode where George had a "what is it with..." moment regarding Bobby's last name. Great success.

Anyhow, I met Bobby at the Sugar Bowl at a tailgate near the Superdome. I ended up walking up to the Dome with Bobby, and the other guys in our party (big ups to my wife's uncle and father, for hooking me up with tickets and the chance to meet the Canon). He was nice enough to take time out of his busy "meet-n-greet" with the LSU and Saints fans alike that day. Believe me, when a local Saint celebrity ventures into public, he gets baraged by many, many people. But, as we walked up the ramps to our gate, Bobby and I shared some football banter. I wish I'd remembered what I told him or what he told me, but some assclown named Jack Daniels caused my brain to fart.

My brother-in-law and I took our seats in the plaza level of the Superdome, next to this very nice, but very rich, high school couple. The chick was really cute, and the guy was nice...but that's neither here nor there. Good times. Moving right along, as the half came upon us, we decided to find our other folks, who were in the WWL 870 suite. We snuck by the "guard" and found our way into the suite. Low and behold, who is waiting for more of my nonsensical blurbing about football? No, not Rachel McAdams or Claire Danes, but Bobby Hebert. Hey, the chubby was just the same. Anyhow, Bobby, myself, and my brother-in-law talked football for the entire second half of LSU's drumming of Notre Dame.

Oh, wait...you're gonna love this. There was a second encounter with Bobby Hebert at Michaul's (by the way, if you get the chance, go there! It's near downtown in New Orleans) during the NFC Championship...and, he actually remembered me. I was giddy...I must admit. Anyhow, Bobby seemed to think that "I know my football" and he really "enjoyed talking to those two kids at the Sugar Bowl." Wow...I was one of those two kids. Plus, he saw my wife and said "you did good." Nice...Bobby thinks the little lady is hot. But, it was his reaction to seeing me--it was like he remembered me or something. Very nice!

To make this long story short (see, I made you read the whole story before you got the Cliff Notes), meeting Bobby Hebert was a highlight of my life. He's a very nice person, and he was a great player for the Saints. I tend to block out the whole Atlanta Falcons part of his career, because that really didn't happen. Just like Morten Anderson never was a Falcon. Nope, never happened--Satanic Fowl assholes.

Bobby has a radio show on WWL 870 AM, and it comes on Monday through Friday at 4:00 pm. Catch it, if you can. He calls people out and tells them he'll "kick your ass." You gotta like that. Thanks for the great memories, Bobby--who never was a Falcon.

Womp, Womp, Wooooooommmmppp....

2007-01-24T09:26:00.000-06:00

In case you missed it, or live in a bubble, the Saints fell short (well, way short) in their bid to make it to the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history. Well, they did accomplish making it into their first NFC Championship. Baby steps, kids...baby steps.

Let's face it--the Bears dismantled us in the latter stages of the third quarter. Coming out of halftime, the Saints stopped the Bears offense and forced a punt. They drove down the field, then had their own drive stall at the Bear 30. Field goal time...remember when a coach was faced with a decision to go for the first down or kick a field goal and that was the only decision he had to make? Those were the good ole days. Now, a coach, specifically those named Payton, had not only that decision, but the hard decision on whether to go with your veteran, near 100% accurate kicker or your lame-ass "big-leg" kickoff specialist kicker. I'm not one to jump all over Sean Payton for his decision making, but this was the most piss-poor decision he's made all season. I guess he decided to save the best for last. Anyhow, Payton trots the world-wide known Billy Cundiff out to attempt a 47 yard field goal...in freezing rain...on shitty sod...with the wind in his face. Cundiff's "big leg" got the ball all the way underneath the crossbar. Too bad "almost" only counts in horshoes and hand grenades. Maybe it's just me, but I would think that John Carney would know a little more about kicking in adverse conditions than the placekicking guru Billy Cundiff. Woof.

I think the Cundiff Experiment was the turning point in the game. Most people will point to Drew Brees' "maybe they won't notice that I threw the ball before the line of scrimmage in the endzone" cotastrophe as the turning point, but it was Cundiff's failure to give the Saints the lead that started the momentum swing. Drew's mishap only fortified the Bears' drive to finish us off. And they did...pretty handily.

Well, as Saints fans we have no right to complain about the game. The Saints were picked by many "experts" to hand the first selection card in the NFL Draft to Commisioner Goodell in April. We really screwed the "experts," didn't we?

While the Saints surely overachieved this season, they made good on a few things. The first is that they've made New Orleans a much more attractive spot for free agents. And, with the glaring need at cornerback (*cough* Asante Samuel *cough*) and possibly linebacker and defensive line, it should be much easier to lure free agents into the city to play for the Saints. Have faith, Saints fans....something we've heard all to often. The only thing is that this time, it's different. Faith is real. Hope is strong. The Saints are here and are for real. It's going to be an interesting offseason--one where we might see some of our most well-known guys leave, like Joe Horn and Charles Grant. One where the Saints will pick 28th in the first round of the draft, barring a trade. So, stay tuned. I'll try to post mindless bull squash on what I think the Saints should do and might consider regarding player personnel during the offseason...it looks to be great fun.

Free Fallin'

2007-01-18T20:13:00.000-06:00

In the April NFL Draft of 1996, the Kansas City Chiefs made one of the greatest and special selections in New Orleans Saints history--with their pick in the 5th Round, 135th overall, the Chiefs pointed their arrowheads toward some kid from some "college" called Itawumba Junior College in Fulton, MS. He was a spry young man. He was a wide reciever named Joe Horn.

After spending four mediocre years with the Chiefs wearing #84, Horn signed on with a team in deep with its fans--The New Orleans Saints. Horn signed a three year contract on February 13, 2000. It was a leap of faith for the Saints, and equally so for Horn. In his first four years as a receiver with Kansas City, Joe ammased the following statistics: appeared in 49 games, 53 receptions for 879 yards and 7 touchdowns. To put those totals in perspective, Marques Colston, the 7th Round, 252nd overall pick (from the NCAA powerhouse of Hofstra University) of the Saints in this year's NFL Draft, put these numbers up in only his first year as an NFL player: appeared in 15 games, 75 receptions for 1,093 yards and 8 touchdowns. Remember that Colston was inactive for two games. The 15th game includes last weekend's playoff victory against the Eagles.

As you can see, Joe Horn was the wide receiving equivalent of a football bat--he had no business in the business. However, the Saints, under a new coaching and managerial regime of Jim Haslett and Randy Mueller, took a flyer on Horn and gave him a three year deal and the number 87. The rest, as cliche' idiots say, is history. Horn went on to make his name a household one, appearing in 102 games, piling up 523 receptions for 7,622 yards and 50 touchdowns. Joe was voted to the Pro Bowl in 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2004. He has made countless memories and cell phone calls for the fans of Southeastern Louisiana. He is a New Orleans Saints icon...ranking up there with the likes of Archie Manning, Dalton Hilliard and Morton Anderson. I still don't know what he's trying to accomplish with that first down and touchdouwn dance he does, but it's the best epileptic seizure I've ever seen.

However...this season...this season has been forgettable. In such a season where the Saints have realized everything dream-like, Horn has been an afterthought. Unfortunately, he's been bothered by the same groin problem since early in his Saints career, and can't seem to shake it. I hate to even think the inevitable, but it seems as though one of our most revered Saints is fading, and fading fast. Horn's been out for the latter part of the season--the part where the Saints could have used him most. However, the performance of the receiving corps and the rest of the team on the field has rendered Horn a thought in the back of our minds amidst all the pandelerium and excitement that is this 2006 season. Joe missed last weekend's bout with Philly, after being labeled "questionable" on the injury report. He's "questionable" again:

Payton said wide receiver Joe Horn, who has missed the last five games — including the team’s playoff win over the Philadelphia Eagles last week — participated in a portion of team drills Wednesday.

Horn had missed every practice since Jan. 8 because of a partially-torn groin and is questionable for Sunday’s game with the Bears.

“I felt like I was running pretty good today, it was good running out the routes,” said Horn, a four-time Pro Bowl pick. “I have to show coach Payton that I’m 100 percent and that I can go. He wants badly for me to play, but I have to show that I’m ready running wise.”

Guh. Partially torn groin? Is there such a thing? I think that's like being "kinda" preagnant. Will Joe Horn return this weekend? It's "questionable." Will he return if the Saints make a Super Bowl charge? Again, it's "questionable." Will he return to form next year in that familiar Saints #87? I'm loathe to admit it...but, it's "questionable."

There is no "question," however, on the fact that despite his murky future for the remainder of the year and his Saints career, Joe Horn is one of the most loved, cherished, and fun players I've ever watched in a Saints uniform. We love you, Joe. And we sincerely hope you can work on that groin and get back to your old self again, instead of just being old. In any event, no one will ever wear the #87 in Saints black and gold again...unless it's Joe himself.

8-Bits are All We Need

2007-01-18T14:22:00.000-06:00

So, the geniuses over at Thunder Matt's Saloon have played out the NFC Championship game between our beloveds and the Chicago Assclowns. Using the finest in technology, an NES and duct tape, they've found that the "8-bit" Saints, as they call them, win the "8-bit" NFC Championship 28-10 over da "8-bit" Bearsssss and head to the "8-bit" Super Bowl in early February. If the duct tape holds, they'll end up playing the "8-bit" New England Patriots.

Well, that's all well and good. Hey, if a regular Nintendo knows who will reign supreme, you think ESPN can get it right...right? Mmm-hmm. We'll see.

So, that's it, right? We don't have anything to worry about. Nah...I think it'll be a tough game for the Saints. Even though Sexy Rexy (that's just not right) is a complete basketcase, the defense of the Bears is really what scares me. I'm not worried about their offense. We've seen enough of Moose to even care, and anybody else on the receiving corps is almost a cadaver. The offensive line is solid at center, but Hollis is back and he proved how valuable he is in the Divisional Round against Philly. My "where the hell have you been" player of the game is going to be Charles Grant. Big #94 will need to prove his worth to the franchise, or else we'll be looking to free agency, the draft, or Rob Nincovich to fill his void next year. Hopefully, Grant will come up big on Sunday. If not, happy trails, you rasta-headed freak. (Not "freak" in a bad way, but in a good way...huh?)

It will come down to the weather and the Saints' offensive line and running backs vs. the Bears' front seven. We all know about Urlacher and Briggs. Urlacher is a great football player, and he strikes fear into every Bears opponent. However, these aren't the same ole Saints. They could have folded many times this year. The only defense that remotely compares to the one they play on Sunday is....ummmm....the Ravens. And, we all know how well that played out, right? Woof. But, in that game, the Saints were fresh (or rotten) off a bye and they came out overwhelmed and flat. The Ravens just simply overmatched them and the offense had no idea that holding on to the football was a good thing. It was tough to watch.

So, after all this in-depth knowledge and scrupulous break-down of Sunday's matchup I've just spewed for you (quit laughing), my gut tells me be careful...don't get your hopes up. But, this is a special Saints team. There's something intangible that always keeps this team in the game, no matter the conditions. The weather (click here) for Sunday at Soldier Field is supposed to be near freezing with expected snow flurries. Yay...can't wait. You can say that these guys are professionals and should be ready for anything, but you have to liken the Saints in the snow to Bubble Boy in the middle of the Outbreak movie...not good. We'll have to see...hopefully, we'll be seeing a lot of this:

Welcome to "The Dome is Haunted"

2007-01-11T11:53:00.000-06:00

Well, first off I'd like to welcome anyone (and by "anyone," I mean "breathing persons who are able to read, and want to read about New Orleans Saints gobbledy-gook) to "The Dome is Haunted."

This is my first post on my first ever published blog, and I will admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. This should be loads of fun for me and for you. Yeah, oodles even. Okay, so the point of my ramblings on this site will be mostly geared towards fun-hearted, but serious jib-jab about New Orleans Saints football. For your convenience, I will include some information about the Chicago Cubs--yeah, I'm somewhat deeply scorched to be an avid follower...scratch that...avid woodenheaded follower of these two storied sports franchises. In fact, many folks would agree that I belong in a home somwhere chasing winged pink elephants and daydreaming about the good ole days when Uncle Ned would rub my belly and whisper sweet nothings in my rear...wha?

Seriously, this blog will mostly revolve around all that is Sainthood and Who Datedness...or something. I hope that we can all get along here. This blog will strictly be my opinion on what happens in Who Dat Nation, sprinkled with a little humor (we hope, right?) and a dash of crazy. You've been warned.

A little bit about my crazy self....I was born in the beautiful metropolous of Thibodaux, Louisiana. I grew up on sports like Chinese kids grow up on rice...or something to that effect. Every afternoon was a sporting event. Football, baseball, or basketball. So, I eventually grew to idolize the Saints, thanks in part to their crack-like addiction to being all things futile. I'm just going on past record here, folks. Okay, so I love the Saints. My grandfather routinely watched the Saints and he had to have me by his side. So, I was hooked...my grandfather gave me the heroine-like affinity ($10 word of the day, right there) for Saints football...thanks, Paw.

So, let me welcome you...to the blog that is haunted by this chucklehead's grandfathers....and to the Death Dome. Let's hope that the Superdome becomes laced with the demented afterthoughts that are the opponents of the Saints. They will always remember...The Dome is Haunted.