An Open Letter From Me to the Chicago Cubs: Start The Riot!!!

In case you didn't know, Ryan Theriot (that's where "The Riot" comes from...see, 'cause his last name is Theriot...and it spells...you should've gotten it by now) is a former LSU baseball player under Skip Bertman. Ryan was selected by my Cubbies in the third round of the MLB draft in 2000--the same draft that saw Mark Prior selected in the first round by the Cubs. Not a bad draft.

Anyhow, last year Theriot made it up to the bigs and in 134 at-bats, he hit .328, had an on-base percentage of .421 and slugged .522 with 3 HR, 16 RBI and 13 SB, walked 17 times to his 18 K's. Just to let you know, 134 AB's aren't a lot to garner you a starting job in the majors, but they are enough to raise some eyebrows. Granted, his time in the majors last year was on a pitiful 63-99 ballclub. However, those 134 AB's aren't where Ryan's success for the Cubs ends. This Spring Training, The Riot has appeared in 22 games hit an even better .358 AVG, had an on-base percentage of .413, slugged .552, hit 7 doubles and three triples with 8 RBI's and was 6 for 6 in stolen bases. He walked 6 times and only struck out 5 times. In short, he's continued his outsanding play and has made the Opening Day 25-man roster for the Chicago Cubs.

There's a catch...Ryan plays the middle infield positions (2B and SS), primarily, and has learned all three outfield positions during the Spring. He's been named the Cubs "super-sub." He's mostly been a 2B through his short MLB career, however if the Cubs knew what was good for them, they'd start The Riot at SS over "Little" Ceasar Izturis and keep Mark DeRosa at 2B in 2007.

To put it another way, I have a giant new man-crush...it's you, Ryan Theriot...you lucky son of a bitch. I mean, c'mon...look at him. He's handsome, he's fast, he's smart, he has twinkling pink moonbeams in his eyes, his farts smell like fresh honeydew mellon, his tears taste like Strawberry Harvest Lager, and he raises injured kittens and finches from certain death. Why would you not start him?

In reality, if Ryan keeps doing what he's been doing over the end of 2006 and the start of 2007, he could very well push Ceasar Izturis to the bench and warrant himself a starting gig on a MLB team...not just any team...but, the by-God Chicago titty-fucking Cubs.

If any of you know Jim Hendry or Lou Piniella, please tell them to please Start the Riot! I'm just sayin'...

LenDale White, Giant Sack'o Ass Potatoes

In a Yahoo! Sports article, LenDale White, former USC "second fiddle" to Reggie Bush, reported to Tennessee Titans offseason conditiong program at an astonishing 260 lbs. LenDale finished the season in 2006 weighing in at a Deuce-ish 230 lbs.

At USC, LenDale was a pretty good bruising compliment to Reggie Bush, and he proved his worth as a high draft pick by the Titans in 2006. For the Titans in 2006, LenDale appeared in 13 games and only rushed 61 times for 244 yards and caugth 14 balls for 60 yards and an astonishing 0 touchdowns.

In 2007, White was supposed to compete and subsequently overtake the cold corpses that Tennessee calls running backs and start. Granted, wieghing in at 260 lbs. isn't one of the seven deadly sins, but at running back? Some have done it before, but for LenDale White this is LenRidiculous. LenIn fact, I LenBelieve that if he doesn't LenLose LenWeight, he'll be Lenwishing he'd joined LenWeight Watchers instead of sitting on his couch and playing countless hours of Super Mario Kart and eating fried chicken wings, topped with cheese and jalapenos with ranch dipping sauce...mmmmmmmmmm. That's hot.

So, instead of running over NFL defenses in 2007, LenDale will be riding a stationary bike and picking lent out of his belly button on the sidelines. In one offseason, he went from "almost as good as Reggie Bush," (which is pretty damn good), to being this guy:

LenDale, you're a world class athlete that got paid in college (because USC pays it's players...fags) and is making an assload of money playing in the National Freaking Football League...the least you could do is hop on a treadmill while watching "Pimp My Ride." You should be ashamed of yourself. You should also take a page out of your former comrade's book and work your ass off, even though you have the God-given talent of making NFL defenses look like retarded animal babies drowning in a swimming pool...or something. I hate to see that much talent being thrown away. I guess he figures he's made his fortune, why should he work for it? Some guys have all the luck...they just all seem to have heads full of nanner puddin'.

Kerry Wood Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Revisits Summer Home, Located on Disabled List Island

It's true. It's happened to us Cubs fans, again. Kerry Wood will start the 2007 season on the disabled list, and reports from the Chicago Tribune are claiming he would be lucky to return in June. Jesus titty-fuckin' Sanchez, what the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have the exact number of times he's visited the DL, but this is getting to be son-of-a-bitchin' ridiculous. For those of you not familiar with Kerry Wood, here's a refresher: he's the guy who struck out 20 Astros in one game in 1998 and in the same game missed no-hitting the Astros by one measely little Ricky Gutierrez knub-shot between short and third...lucky little twerp.

Forgive me for not writing about the Saints that often in the past weeks, but as I mentioned before it's baseball season and I'm a huge fan of the game and of the Chicago Cubs. That's why Kerry Wood heading back to the DL is so damn frustrating...no, it's heartbreaking. You see, in Cubdom Kerry Wood is one of the most beloved. He seems like a nice guy and also has a smokin' red hot wife, who if you were to rate her ass on a scale of 0 to 100, it'd easily be a 94. Plus, HE STRUCK OUT 20 GUYS IN ONE GAME!!! For your information, the Major League record for strikeouts in a game was set by Roger Clemens at 21. That's un-freakin-beleavable.

In 2003, when the Cubs made it to the National League Championship Series (NLCS) against the Florida Marlins (the eventual champions of that year), Kerry was the only pitcher to actually show up. Save for Alex Gonzalez's error in turning a double play (after the Bartman chaos), the Cubs could have won the 2003 World Series on Wood's arm alone. However, the error proved to be fatal and Derrek Lee (then of the Marlins) stroked a double and that was that.

Wood is tough as nails. He'd take on anybody at anytime and probably physically beat the ever-lovin' shit out of anyone who dares fight him. But, that doesn't make him a good pitcher. When he was in high school, Kerry was forced to pitch...no, start...both games of a double header. There's the rub...that's where things went wrong. He should have realized this was a bad idea, but instead let it ride. He appeared in a Cubs uniform and then was a human, living, breathing heartbreak ever since.

I hope to God that Kerry can someday overcome the injuries that have plagued his Major League career. I want so badly for him to be a big part of the Cubs in 2007, because this year seems so promising. I don't want to wait until June to be heartbroken again by a Kerry Wood injury. I think they should just bubble wrap the kid and call it a day. But, he might suffocate...or something. Anyway, get well soon, Kerry. And, send us a postcard.

Why My Wife Loathes Me...and Why I Don't Post Very Often

Well, this is totally unrelated to the Saints or the NFL or football. But, alas...it's baseball season. And I love baseball season. When I was in college, I used to skip class (this was a purposeful skipping of class) to watch Opening Day baseball. All of it. In all it's glory and splendor. There's nothing like watching the Pissburgh Pirates playing the Washington Nationals and all their naivity. The looks in their eyes is so...hopeful. But, the chances of Pissburgh or Washington or Tampa Bay or Kansas City making the playoffs are about as good as an American orphan baby being adopted by Angelina Jolie (see, 'cause she only adopts the foreign babies).

I purchased the video game you see pictured. It is 2K Sports' latest baseball iteration, namely Major League Baseball 2K7 for my beloved XBOX 360. Here's the deal...MLB 2K7 is arguably the greatest baseball simulation I've ever played. The team at 2K Sports completely overhauled player animations, player faces and models, jersey physics, and stadiums. And, the hard work payed off. Now, to the part that keeps me from writing to all you good folks: I decided to play Franchise Mode, where I chose a franchise and play all it's games and sign and release and demote and promote all its players and set ticket prices and buy scouting reports...it's so great.

Naturally, the franchise I chose was the Chicago Cubs. However, I thought (get ready for a trip inside my head) "Why don't I just do a league-wide draft of all the players and see what happens?" So, that's what I did. What happens is all the players in the game get put into a pool and each team takes a turn drafting players. It's like the NFL Draft, except it's baseball and the players are already professionals. The players, along with their current contracts, are picked by all 32 teams in MLB. I could choose to control from 1 to 4 franchises. I only chose the Cubs, and here's the strategy I used: select young players that have a lot of upside and very low salaries. Here's the roster I got from the draft:

Lineup:

1. CF Felix Pie

2. 2B Ryan Theriot

3. 3B David Wright

4. 1B Nick Swisher

5. LF Matt Murton

6. RF Brad Hawpe

7. C Jeff Mathis

8. SS Khalil Greene

9. P Pitcher

Bench: OF Jeremy Reed, OF Reggie Abercrombie, IF Chris Woodward, IF Pete Orr, C J. D. Closser, 3B/1B Scott Moore.

Starting Rotation: Mark Prior, Johnathon Papelbon, Carlos Zambrano, Adam Wainwright, Matt Capps.

Bullpen: CL Kerry Wood, Johnathon Broxton, Brian Tallet, Horacio Ramirez, Wade Miller, Jonah Bayliss.

My budget for the 2007 campaign was set by my owner at $135 M. My expenses, including my team's salary and the purchasing of scouting reports, is currently just under $50 M. Average ticket price at the always sold-out Wrigley Field is $25.50. My current net profit for the year is projected to be more than double my expenses. Life as a Cub is pretty damn good. Not too shabby...currently, I'm 13-5, and leading the NL Central by 2.0 games over Milwaukee. Great success. It's loads of fun, and maybe I play it a little too much...but, we all have our "things" and being virtual owner of the virtual Cubs makes my wildest dreams come true....or something. If you have $60 hanging around the house, spend it on this game for your 360. I highly recommend it.

Charles Grant Unhappy About Being "Franchised"

In a related story, the sky was reported being "blue" this morning, the sun rose in the east, and monkeys still can't talk. But, they're working on that...As I've mentioned before, being the "franchise" player, or being a player slapped with the "franchise" tag guarantees the player an average of the top five yearly salaries at the position. Which means, Charles Grant us crying over an excess of $8 M dollars. To quote my good friend, Dr. Evil (we're tight, we go way back) "Boo, frickety hoo."

Why am I writing about this? Because, I created this blog and I can do whatever the f*ck I want to do...and, there's a story floating around that Charles has scheduled a meeting with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Now, before you get your panties all wadded up, hear this: If the Bucs are to sign him (which they can still do, even though the Saints franchised him) and the Saints decide not to match the offer, the Buccaneers will be forced to compensate the Saints with two first round draft choices, which would include the #4 pick in this year's draft. This would not affect the Saints' current draft choices. This would be an addition to their draft picks for 2007.

Um, all I got to say about that is good riddance, Charles. You're replaceable. Hell, you can be replaced with either one of the first round draft choices the Saints would receive, if the Bucs were stupid enough to do this. However, my source, Rotoworld, reports that a trade might be a more likely scenario. In that case, the Saints should ask for two first round draft choices and call it a day. But, that's pretty outrageous. However, if the Bucs wanted him bad enough, then the Saints could make away like bandits on this one. The only drawback is that the Saints would now have to face Charles twice a year because the Bucs are in the NFC South with the Saints. So? The Bucs are in such bad shape right now...they could 3 Charles Grants and still not be good.

In other news, the Dolphins are thinking of persuing WR Terrance Copper. Please....take him. Sorry, Terrance.

Update: Kaesviharn Can Sack, Too

An update on the newest Saint...Kevin Kaesviharn can also sack the quarterback, as he's seen in the picture above dry-humping Texan quarterback David Carr. My wife has a crush on Carr, and it looks like she had competition on this day. Nice work, Kevin...

Saints Report: Saints Sign Safety/Defensive Back Kevin Kaesviharn

Yesterday, the Saints came to a contract agreement with former Cincinnati Bengals safety and defensive back Kevin Kaesviharn. In 2006, Kaesviharn intercepted six passes in a limited role that grew into more playing time with the Bungals (I misspelled that on purpose 'cause I'm whitty like that).

In 14 games with the Bengals last year, Kaesviharn tallied 64 tackles, 50 solo. He had six interceptions and one forced fumble. He should fit in nicely in the Saints defensive backfield, as second-year safety Roman Harper, an alum out of Alabama and the Saints' second-round pick in 2006, nurses himself back to the field after suffering a torn ACL.

Welcome, Kevin, and I hope you enjoy your stay in New Orleans.

In other news, the Saints have met with former Seahawks wide receiver Bobby Engram. During 2006, Engram caught 24 balls for a whopping 209 yards and one touchdown.

The Saints also have set up a meeting with former Colts wide receiver Brandon Stokely. Stokely is a native of Louisiana, as he attended the University of Louisiana-Lafayette during his college days. Hurt most of last year, Stokely only grabbed 8 receptions for 85 yards in 4 games. However, Brandon has proven during his time in Indy that he can get open over the middle and underneath the defense and isn't afraid of taking a lick. If he is recovered from his injuries, he would be the third wideout and slot receiver in the rotation, and would probably stick around to finish out his career as a Saint.

One more note: The Saints have set up a meeting with former Chargers, Buccaneers and Jaguars wide receiver Keenan McCardell. In 2006, McCardell had 36 catches for 437 yards in 14 games and no touchdowns. McCardell is 37 right now, and he's basically been the AFC's version of Joe Horn. I know Joe will never be replaced, but McCardell wears #87 and is 37 years old...I'm just sayin', that's all.

The Saints do need veteran leadership at the wide receiver position, and I'm not convinced that Terrance Copper should be counted on to contribute in 2007. I'd much rather see the Saints sign two of these guys, and the two I would want them to acquire are Stokely and Engram, who can still be productive. However, don't be surprised if the Saints grab a wideout with one of their 6 picks in the first 145 picks of the 2007 NFL Draft. That's a pretty good percentage of the best players in the Draft, and given last year's success of Sean Payton's first class, this one should be that much better. I'm looking forward to it. You should be, too.

Saints Report: Former Asshole Becomes a Saint

Let me get this straight before the guy in the picture (right) finds me and tears me a new scrote...I'm not calling Eric Johnson, former 49er tight-end, an asshole per say, but he was a 49er and therefore he is guilty by association. See, as far as I'm concerned, anybody who remembers Saints football in the late 1980's and 1990's remembers the 49ers--they were the cocksmokers of the NFL. They always got the referee's calls in their favor and always beat the Saints, when both teams were in the same division--the NFC West. That damn Jerry Rice...anyway, I digress.

Okay, so back to actual news that you would maybe, kinda sorta care about...a little. The Saints signed this guy, Eric Johnson (not an asshole any more), to a 1-year, $2.00 M contract to compete at tight-end with Billy Miller. Johnson was a serviceable tight-end for the 49ers for the past four years. He was a 7th round draft choice of the 49ers in 2001 out the NCAA football powerhouse of Yale. At least he's smart...right? Right?

Last year was Johnson's worst as a pro, as he gathered in 34 receptions for 292 yards (a 8.6 yd/catch average) and 2 touchdowns. However, 2004 was his most productive year when he caught 82 passes for 825 yards (a 10.1 yd/catch average) and 2 touchdowns. When healthy, Johnson should be as usable as every other tight-end the Saints have had in the past 7 years or so, and that's not saying a whole lot. However, the potential is there. Coupled with the pass-catching skills of Billy Miller, Johnson should be a welcomed part of the receiving corps.

In other news, the Saints have signed MLB Brian Simmons, formerly of the Cincanatti Jailbirds. Brian is a productive, 31-year old veteran of the NFL and he's slated to move into the starting role at MLB, replacing the solid Mark Simoneau. Together, the two should form up a solid linebacking corps that overachieved in 2006. However, if the linebackers continue to improve and play well, 2006 will be less of a farce. Now, if we can only get a cornerback that doesn't fall down on every play or get burned routinely. That would be nice...yeah. Sigh...

We Got No Jobs, No Food....OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLIN' OFF!!!!

Well, all I have to say is "SON OF A BITCH!!!" How sad are the Falcons that they continually gather up Saint rejects? And not only that, but Saintly Saints....the best of the best Saints. First, it was Bobby Hebert...damn. Then, it was Morten Anderson...double damn. Now, Joe freakin' Horn? Are you kidding me?

Look, I was 100% okay...check that...99.34% okay with the Saints releasing Joe this offseason. And, the remaining 0.66% of my unsuredness had to be the Falcon Factor. Those sons a bitches...I knew it would happen. They always do it. The sad thing is, if Joe thought he was growing unhappy here, wait until he gets more passes leading him into 230 lb. safeties from Mike "It's Just Aquafina" Vick.

Joe, I hope you finish your career a happy player. I hope things work out well with the Falcons, because you deserve it. You were a great player here in New Orleans, and my undeniable man-crush on you kept me watching the Saints through the Aaron Brooks era. Guh...gives me shivers just thinking about that. By the way, how's that little project working out for you, Raiders? No...not good? Oh...nanny, nanny boo boo.

Saints Rumblings and Shat

On Saturday, it was reported that the Saints signed RT Jon Stinchcomb (pictured, right) to a 2-year, $7 M contract. After his first three seasons were spent being injured, Jon stepped into the starting lineup along the, then considered shaky, Saints offensive line. However, Jon established himself to be one of the most reliable and steadfast members of an impressive and very youthful offensive line in 2006.

This is a big signing for the Saints, as Stinchcomb will be locked up through 2008 and can hopefully further establish himself as a stallwart of an up-and-coming offensive that features former first-rounde LT Jamal Brown. Keeping these two book-ends on the line are very important in keeping Drew Brees safe and sound in the pocket for years to come. Let's hope that the others on the front five continue to improve.

The Saints also tendered contracts to WR Terrance Copper (pictured, left) and DT Rodney Leisle (I didn't misspell that, that's actually his last name). Copper was fairly clutch for the Saints in 2006. He caught 23 balls for 385 yards and 3 TD. The Saints acquired him from the Cowboys before the beginning of the season. Overall, Terrance Copper was a nice addition to the Saints. He, more times than not, did his job. He caught when thrown to and did an adequate job of blocking for Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush.

Leisle was a fill-in for DT Hollis Thomas, who was suspended for four games for "violating the league's substance abuse policy." Whatever...look at Hollis (picturd, right). He's a blob...there's no way he was 'roiding. Anyhow, Rodney Leisle did an adequate job of filling in for Hollis, however Thomas's absence was sorely missed. Judge Leisle how you may, but he's a warm body and anything will do at defensive tackle for the Saints right now.

Speaking of Hollis Thomas, he was signed to a 4-year deal worth $12 M. At 33, 4 years sounds a bit long for a veteran at this age, but again...defensive tackle is a must in a Saints defense that must stop the run, and Hollis helped tremendously in this area.

DE Charles Grant was franchised by the Saints, meaning he'll make an average of the top five players at his position, which his $8.66 M for 2007. This implies that Charles Grant is among the top five players at defensive end in the NFL. I don't think that Grant is in the top five at his position, but keeping him is a good idea for the Saints, so the money will be well spent. Hopefully, Grant will be able to perform next year and warrant a long-term deal and prove his worth in the top five at defensive end.

Also, OLB Scott Shanle was signed to a 4-year deal worth an undisclosed amount. Shanle was a godsend at linebacker for the Saints, as he recorded 98 tackles at his position and is now locked up through 2010. In other smaller news, TE Billy Miller and DT Antwan Lake were resigned. Miller emerged as Drew Brees' favorite TE target at the end of the season, amassing 14 receptions over the last 4 or 5 games and was a frequent look of Drew during the playoffs. Lake was a capable back-up to Hollis Thomas and Brian Young at defensive tackle.

LB Terrence Melton and CB Curtis DeLoatch were not tendered contracts, and they both become unrestricted free agents. Melton was a capable and reliable special teamer, but he sometimes made idiotic mental errors and personal fouls that would cost the Saints dear yardage. DeLoatch was a special teamer and is best known for recovering the Steve Gleason blocked punt against Atlanta in the home-opener on Monday Night Football that caused the roof to fly of the Superdome. Neither will be missed.

UPDATE: The Sporting News is reporting that the Saints won't release CB Fred Thomas, who was routinely picked on and victimized by opposing teams' offenses and was always falling over his own two feet. If you ask me, running while not tripping qualifies you as a good football player, and since Freddy has yet to prove he can do this...well, you do the math. I personally feel that Thomas is a goner, but if he is retained it will be in a nickel back or dime back role. The Saints will address the cornerback position in free agency and the upcoming April NFL Draft.

Stay tuned....two posts in one day--it could be a record or something.

Joe Horn Thinks That Sean Payton Was Mean to Joe Horn

So, it's now official. On March 1, 2007, the Saints released the finest receiver to grace the black and gold. Joe Horn is now an unrestricted free agent. We all expected this because I predicted it with a previous post, geniusly entitled Free Fallin', and we all read this blog with the utmost attention, enthusiasm, and anticipation. Right? Eh...right? Um-hm...I thought not. Anyway, in an interview plopped in the Fayetteville Observer, Joe Horn refers to himself in the third person and claims that Sean Payton is a poopy-head and was mean to him. Here's what Joe Horn thinks Joe Horn's problem was at the end of last year's injury-riddled season:

“I just don’t think (head coach) Sean Payton wanted me back. I asked to be released because I felt betrayed by a head coach who wanted to prove he could win without Joe Horn.”

Classic. Let me first get this out of the way. I love Joe Horn. On the day that Joe Horn signed Joe Horn's free agent contract with the Saints, he referred to himself in the third person. From that day on, I knew we had something special. Joe Horn was my favorite Saint of all time. He was an enthusiastic member of one of the NFL's most putrid and mediocre franchises. He brought life to the city of New Orleans, in the football sense, and made watching the Saints worth it for the rest of us. I respect him as a person and a football player, and his antics and performances on the football field will be missed. In fact, the sad truth is that those performances had been missed for over a year now.

Joe's season last year started out okay, but he completely fizzled as he came down with groin, knee and ankle injuries. The fact is, Joe is getting old. It's a tough pill to swallow for someone like Joe Horn, but he should take two and call me in the morning.

If Joe feels that he'd been wronged by Sean Payton last year, then fine. Something tells me there's more to this story that's being told. I think Joe got different treatment under the eye of Sean Payton than he did under Jim Haslett. Jim didn' have much control over his players, but Sean Payton tends to equip the taser on woodenheads that don't seem to get it. Nowadays in Saints land, if you aren't with the coach, then adios. And, I'm fine with that. It's good for the Saints, and it lends itself to a better product on the field. Don't forget, Sean Payton will open-hand bitch slap your face if you fuck up. Don't even think about it...

So, I'm going to miss Joe Horn. Hopefully, Joe Horn will miss the Saints. News and rumors around the NFL have interest in him being drawn from the Jaguars and Falcons. If he goes to Jacksonville, then fine. However, I don't want him to pull a Bobby Hebert and head to Atlanta. By the way, Bobby never was a Falcon...pppfffffffttttt.

Lastly, I want to apologize for not writing in...well...months. But, baseball season is upon me and I'm catching Cubs fever. I'll have an update as I'm considering creating a Cubs blog. But, I'll also try to keep you guys up to date on Saints information. There's much to talk about as free agency in the NFL is under way and the Saints do indeed have holes to fill...especially the glaring one left at starting wide receiver. Stay tuned kids...more to come.