Getting Used to Kicks in the Man Tackle

Ugh. You see? Do you finally see? This is why I'm so "eh" about the Cubs in first place. I think it's because I'm not used to it. On a night when Ben Shits takes the mound after his 967th DL stint, the Cubs act like they've never seen the guy. Ever. Or that white, leathery orb thingy called a baseball. Should I hit it? Eh. Should I catch it? Eh. Should I throw it directly to another one of the guys wearing the same clothes as me? Eh.

I'm not going to get all doom and gloom over the loss last night, but when those millionaires turn in performances like that when they're playing a divisional opponent and both teams are contending for the lead in the NL Central, it just frustrates you to the point where you wouldn't mind punching a baby in the forehead. For some of us, (looking at bocaj) it takes less.

However disturbing last night's lollygagging joke of a game is to us, the fact remains that our gang of shitkickers are indeed leading the division (that no one wants to win) by 1.5 games in September (well, almost) with only a handfull of games left on the schedule. The rubber (stop the snickering in the back!) game is tonight, and let's hope the Cubs raise up on their feeble hind legs and donkey punch the Brewers in the throat muscle.

Also tonight, for your television and football viewing pleasure, the Saints take on the Dolphins in their final preseason game. Hopefully, Robert Meachem will show up and play well. And, finally...NCAA football is here. LSU kicks off the whole college season as they travel to Starkvegas to face the Bulldongs of Mississippi State. Should be fun.

One more note: The Dome and it's omnipotent creator will be on hiatus (vacation) at the beach for the next week, starting tomorrow. If you happen to be in Santa Rosa, Florida next week, be on the lookout for the guy wearing the neon-green wrestling suit/bananahammock. I'll be the guy kicking his ass. Go Cubs, go Saints and GEAUX TIGERS!!!

Cubs Win; Brewers Fall to Third as Cards Beat Astros

The Cubs pulled another win out of the magic hat last night, beating the Beermakers 5-3, spiraling them back to third place in the NL Central as the Cardinals scrote-whipped the Astros 7-0 in Houston last night. The Cards are now at .500, in second place, and 2.0 games back of the Cubs. Dum, dum duuuuummm!

Soriano's back, and he claims to be 90%. I guess 90% of Alfie is way better than 100% of the clusterfuck that is Craig Monroe, the beloved Thunder Matt, Statue Floyd and whoever else's corpse Lou trots out there. Soriano also mentions that he'd be willing to bat wherever Lou asks him to in the lineup. Why the hell is Lou asking him to hit in a certain spot? Why isn't ole steel testicles yelling at him to bat 5th so that we can smash this division like we should have done weeks ago? Theriot did a fine job filling in the leadoff spot, but Alfie and his 0-4's are back with The Riot sliding down to 2nd.

I've mentioned a couple times that I'm just not creaming my shorts for baseball right now. And, I'm presumably insane for it. I'm insane for other things, and surely baseball is the least of my worries in that department. But, with the Cubs 2.0 games up on second place Saint Louis (really?), one would think I'd be shaking like Tweak from South Park with excitement. While I'm happy with the Cubs being in first place, especially in September, I'm still kinda...well..."eh" about the whole thing. After all this time and suffering and blood and guts and broken puppy noses I've put into being a Cubs fan, this is how I repay myself? By playing GRAW2 on my 360 during Cubs games? There was a time when I'd actually tune into Pat and Insane Ron Santo and listen to the game on MLB Radio (which I paid a hefty $15 for, thank you) while playing GRAW2 on my 360.

Maybe it's the newness of the upcoming football season. LSU plays some all-girl's college from Mississippi tomorrow night, and the Saints finish up their preseason schedule with a tilt against one of Saban's victims. Maybe it's that I'll be leaving for the beach at 6:30 am on Friday morning and I don't want the possibility of a Cubs meltdown ruining my good time. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful bastard and I should be taking in any good that comes from the Cubs organization, even if it turns out to be one giant cockteasing ballmasher. Maybe I just realized that this could be the season...Go Cubs.

PUBIC SERVIX ANNOUNCEMENT: It was brought to my attention from our buddies in the HJE! Shoutbox that it might be a good idea to seperate The Dome into two sites: The Dome 1.0 (the original), which would be dedicated soley to Saints football, and another, not-yet-created blog dedicated solely to Cubs baseball. What do you kids think? Send me your thoughts in the "Comments."

Position by Position: Quarterbacks

Well, today I'll be starting a new "series" at The Dome. I'll be taking a look at the Saints position by position and ranking them against Madden 08's most assuredly accurate and astute observations and rankings of the same. Today's positional peek: Quarterbacks.

The quarterback is arguably the most recognized and followed figure on an NFL team. He's the cliche' field general, but that phrase is fairly accurate. When you think of how hard it must be to take a snap, run backwards for up to 7 steps, all while looking downfield and "progressing through your reads," then dodge 270 lb lindebackers and 330 lb defensive linemen all looking for that one chance they may get to decapitate you...avoid all those obstacles, and all the while assuming that all your linemen protect you from your doom, you still have to lead a pass to some woodenhead running at 15 mph followed/covered by one, two or three more woodenheads running at the same clip, and hit your woodenhead in the hands or right between the numbers. It just so happens that the Saints have one of the best guys in the business doing that for them.

Starter: #9 Drew Brees; Madden 08 rating of 95

All Drew did last year was solidify himself as one of the saviors of this franchise, while making a stand for being one of the best quarterbacks in all of football. He completed 356 of 554 passes (a 64.3 completion percentage) for 4,418 yards, 26 TD's and only 11 INT's for a 96.2 quarterback rating. Drew found reliable receivers in Marques Colston and Devery Henderson, but he also hit a multitude of targets during the season, spreading the ball around to Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister and all 73 of the guys who attempted to play tight end last season.

Drew has come to New Orleans and led this team on the field and off. He's been the biggest reason for this team's abrupt turnaround from worst to first, and has set the bar very high for the future of New Orleans Saints football. I know it's been noted of my shining, gooey mancrushes on Ryan Theriot and Thunder Matt Murton of the Cubs, but my one true love is Drew Brees. He's the proverbial "man" of this team, and as he goes, they go. Without him, we're screwed. Which leads me to...

Backup: #10 Jaime Martin; Madden 08 rating of 76

Well, Jaime Martin is pretty much the Anti Drew Brees. He's a statue in the pocket and has minimal armstrength. He has problems getting rid of the ball quickly, something Drew excels at. The Saints should be looking at alternatives to Jaime, because if Brees goes down with a long-term injury, Martin cannot be counted on to deliver anywhere close to the caliber of offensive production and consistency that Drew Brees can.

Third Team/Practice Squad: #3 Tyler Palko; Madden 08 rating of 66

Palko is an undrafted rookie free agent out of the University of Pittsburgh (Pitt Panthers) who will most certainly make the team as the emergency quarterback/practice squad quarterback. He's got a powerful left arm, can throw on the run, and is a rugged gamer who is very good at ad-libbing and making plays on the fly. Head coach Sean Payton must believe he can groom him as a solid back-up in the mold of Drew Brees, as Tyler possesses some of the traits Drew displays. If Palko had two or three years under his belt, he'd be ahead of Jaime Martin on the depth chart. However, with experience and reps, he could overtake Martin for the backup role at some point this year, and don't be surprised if he takes Martin's job for good next year.

So, there you have it. Our starting quarterback is a turf devouring sex tornado of awesomeness, and he can't be stopped. Lest he gets injured, the Saints should have a very good offensive season this year. Keep an eye peeled for the Saints to make a move for a backup at quarterback, as early as right before Opening Kickoff in Week 1. Up next in the "Position by Position" series, running backs, where I'll take a look at the wealth of talent on the roster for 2007.

You See What Happens When the Saints Are "Good?"

Well, I know it's been too long since we've had a Saints-related post, but when the Cubs are in first place...well, let's just say you have better chances of picking a booger made of diamonds from nose than that happening too often.

So, while the Cubs are warming up for their series opener against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Saints just beat the ever-lovin' snot out of the hapless Kansas City Chiefs last night. As if living in Kansas City wasn't enough of a cock-punch, the looks of the football team are enough to make those folks want to jump headlong into their daily, 4:00 pm tornado.

Drew Brees and his birthmark were on fire last night. He completed 17 of 19 passes (that's a whole lotta 89.5% completion percentage), and if you take the reverse of that percentage, you get Rex Grossman's estimated completion percentage for the Bears in 2007.

Those 17 completions went for 182 yards and a TD to David Patten, who by all accounts and purposes, was a nobody for the last couple years. Patten cought 6 balls last night along with virtual unknown Lance Moore's 6 for 88 yards. Robert Meachem who? I tell you what, with the Bucs on the verge of cutting Michael Clayton, a former LSU grad from Devery Henderson's class, I'd expect the Saints to take a flyer on him. Who'd have expected Devery to have the more successful NFL career thus far?

The Saints look far and away light years ahead of all the competition over the last two weeks. The Chiefs were a 9-7 team last year, and the Saints embarrassed them last night. Granted, their quarterback is some hick from Alabama, but the Saints were near flawless on offense last night. Except for the two failed 4th and goals, they were unstoppable. Olindo Mare has been anything but the lonesome kicker thus far, as Sean Payton has instructed him NOT to kick the ball through the endzone for touchbacks just so he can evaluate his return team defense.

The Saints are all the rage on ESPN, which could be a dubious omen, but I have to admit that Saints fans have quite a bit to look forward to. This team looks really good so far, and I'm really excited about the upcoming season. I'll go out on a limb and say that they'll win the NFC South, or at least they should.

Temporarily Busy

I know it's been a little slow around The Dome this past week, and I apologize. I also realize that none of you have probably noticed that it's been slow, but whatever. I've been "training" for work, trying to be a more complete and more well-rounded ass kicker. It's working.

So, since the end of last week, several sweet ass things have happened. I did indeed purchase that truck I was talking about, and yes my ass kickery skills came in handy at the dealership. Second, Abita Springs came out with a new beer, Abita Pecan Harvest Ale. I've got two six-packs in storage now, and am aiming to get some more. Also, mom Nutsack found Abita's Strawberry Harvest Lager and is hoarding some away for her son. That's what good moms do. The Saints are showing up in the preseason and the first teams are really kicking some ass. The Bears and that wreched monkey-person they call a quarterback really stunk it up against the Colts and the world's funniest quarterback. Lastly, the Cubs are in first place! Yes, that's right...the former laughing stock of MLB is now in first place, staying there without the injured Alfonso Soriano. Bad Kermit's love muffin has come up big since being taken off the DL, and my very own love muffin is doing the same in helping the Cubs set the pace in the NL Central.

It's been a good week, and I wish my dedication to the art of ass kickeration wasn't so meticulous, because I'd much rather be entertaining you people. I'll have a review of Abita's new brew after more "research." Enjoy your Thursday. The Dome will be back in full force (whatever that means) tomorrow.

Come on Dooooown, If The Price Is Right!!!

Today, Mr. and Mrs. Nutsack travel East in an attempt to purchase a new truck, preferably a Toyota Tacoma PreRunner. Wish us luck, as I really hate dealing with cheesedicks and a-holes, especially when it comes to my hard earned money. Hopefully, though, the good people at the dealership and I will find some kind of compromise and I can roll through my neighborhood flossin' my icies in my...oh, forget it. Just wish us luck.

UPDATE 1.0: IN AN IRONICALLY RELATED STORY, WRIGLEYVILLE23 IS REPORTING THAT THE CUBS AND CARLOS ZAMBRANO HAVE AGREED TO TERMS ON A LONG-TERM DEAL.

UPDATE 2.0: IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED STORY, I KEEP HEARING THE WORD "VACAY," AS IN AN ABBREVIATED FORM OF THE WORD "VACATION." PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE ALL THINGS HOLY, STOP USING THIS WORD. I BLAME HOLLYWOOD...COMMUNIST BASTARDS.

Video Game Review: "Madden NFL 08"

Well, nerds...the time has finally arrived. The draft has been completed, free agency has been...free agented...and training camps and meaningless preseason games are under way. In case you live under a rock, or are Mrs. Nutsack, you should all be well aware that Madden NFL 08 hit shelves at your favorite local video game retailer Tuesday morning at midnight. I've even heard of a few nerds actually going to Best Buy at midnight to purchase their copy. I get the feeling there will be a Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercial spot on the horizon for you folks. I digress. Last year's iteration was an abomination to the franchise, and with EA (Electronic Arts) owning the NFL license for the foreseeable future, any fan of the franchise had every right to be furious over the lackluster effort the game developers put forth in Madden 07. Would this year be any different? Well, who else to tell you, but your good friend Mr. Nutsack?

THE GOOD:

Call me old fashioned, traditional, conservative, or a pretentious a-hole, but I like core gameplay. I like the game to feel and look like it should, and how it is presented on TV (FOX is the very best at NFL TV presentation. It's fact). That means, I want the players to have realistic animations, look pretty spot-on compared to their real-life counterparts, jersey numbers to be correct, and accurate stadiums and uniforms. That being said, Madden 08 has done a pretty good job over last year's title. In Madden 07, you couldn't edit your player's attributes, accessories or appearance. This was a huge drawback for me (not to mention Marques Colston didn't appear in last year's game...whoops!). This year, fully customizable players are back. For instance...WR Robert Meachem's jersey number in the game is 85. However, if you've seen any Saints action this preseason, you know that Meachem dons #17. I can change that in this year's game, done and done.

Back to the on-field action. There's been much said about the new "branching animations" technology this year. What this is, in essence, is a small but vital detail in the core gameplay. In previous Maddens, a receiver would catch a ball, and the player would have to wait for the "catch animation" to conclude, then the player could hurdle...wait for the hurdle animation to conclude...and so on. This year, animations are much smarter. A running back will no longer run in place. He'll put a hand on the fullback's back and wait for blocks and running lanes to open. A receiver will now attempt sideline tip-toe grabs for first downs. Defenses will now gangtackle. And, more importantly, player models can enter and come out of context sensitive animations much more smoothly and quickly. It's a very fine touch, and is the biggest improvement and huge stepping stone for the Madden franchise and it's core gameplay.

The menu is fairly easy to use, but the depth charts and player editing menus can get a bit tedious. However, the menu music is outstanding. You can even choose which songs to include in your menu sessions. The list includes all of those great NFL Films tunes, some remixes of those tunes, and some new stuff from people I haven't heard of. The NFL Films music is immersive, and I applaud EA for putting that in the game. Great touch.

I haven't checked out Franchise Mode or any of the Minigames, but I'm sure they don't disappoint. Franchise is just a glorified Season mode, where you can take the franchise through 30 years, move it to a new city, sign/release free agents over the years, and build your dynasty.

THE BAD:

Presentation, presentation, presentation. Will there ever be as good an in-game, on-field presentation as put forth by the team at 2K Sports with their release of NFL Football 2K5? I mean, they had the ESPN Sunday Night Football graphic overlays, in-game graphical progress reports of your players, third down conversion rate graphical overlays, and the ESPN Sunday Night Football commentary team. And, the game was $20.00 for your PS2 or original XBOX. This year's Madden has some lame-duck stadium announcer that sounds like he's locked up in a meat locker in Ted Lilly's basement and vurtually no graphical overlays. That year, 2K Sports stormed EA's football simulation kingdom and knocked Madden off it's high horse. 2K was on a roll, and was looking to topple the Madden franchise for good. It's no coincidence that EA quickly gobbled up exclusive rights to the NFL licenses, crippling 2K's franchise for the foreseeable future. EA's been putting forth lame titles of Madden since then, and the gaming world has had enough. Until they learn to somehow get that presentation aspect of their game down, every Madden from here on out will forever be compared to 2K's 2005 footballer.

Lastly, I haven't been able to play a whole lot of the game, but I've yet to see where I can make formation-based substitutions. For instance, if I'm playing with the Saints, I would like inside linebacker Mark Simoneau to play in the 4-3 and 4-6 run defenses. However, I'd like the other inside linebacker, Brian Simmons, to play the position in the nickel and dime pass defenses. I've yet to figure out or see how I can make these substitutions. I've only seen depth chart substitutions, where I can substitute Brian Simmons for Mark Simoneau for every single defensive formation, which is not what I want. Once again, I could do this in a $20 PS2 game in 2K's NFL 2K5, but I can't do this in a $60, next generation Madden 08 game? Ridiculous. Get it straight, EA. You're pissing a lot of people off.

However, given these small bruises, Madden 08 is definitely the best next-gen football sim on the market. It's got a lot of good qualities, and the core gameplay is solid, if not stellar. On the other hand, the presentation (graphical overlays, etc.) of the game just lollygags and is pretty lame. Formation-based substitutions need to be implemented, because I'm tired of having my starting corner play gunner on punts and then be too tired to play the following set of downs on defense.

I don't know when EA's dominance over the NFL license ends, but when it does, I will be very happy to see new life breathed into the football sim forum. EA's been pretty weak thus far with it's Madden franchise, and for a company with all the rights to the game, I expect better for my $60. That said, I reiterate that Madden 08 is a good, solid game. Don't expect THE Madden experience, but still, it's a good one. If you are a fan of football and enjoy the on-field action Madden gives, go out and get Madden 08.

TDIH Video Game Rating: 4.25 "Telestrator 'Boom!'s" out 5.

Wake Up America, It's MADDEN 08 TUESDAY!!!

Well, I have to admit...I'm in a ferver today. It seems as though some little video game thingy, as Mrs. Nutsack would say, has hit shelves at midnight while I was sleeping last night. Yes, kids, it's the long awaited arival of Madden NFL Football 08 for the XBOX 360.

I'll be a good American and pick up my copy today, probably when the doors open at Best Buy, and Judo-chop all the nerds to get to the front of the line and secure my spot as head nerd of all nerdness. Anyway, after I play the game and get a feel for the gameplay, graphics and sound, I'll post a TDIH first "Video Game Review" for this year's Madden football iteration.

One last thing...for those four of you that frequent TDIH (and by "frequent," I mean "skim over to stay updated"), you may notice several "characters" showing up in the comments section. These are turdnuggets from other Cubs sites who happen to allow me to lower their standards of reading by hitting up The Dome from time to time. So, welcome to all newcomers. As always, comments and criticism are welcome, so feel free to leave your best. Be on the lookout for a review of Madden 08 sometime tonight or tomorrow morning. If your really would like a review at this moment, check out IGN.com's video review of the game.

What Really Grinds My Gears

It's now time for another installment of "What Really Grinds My Gears." Today's episode: Keeping Cliff Floyd in the Field in an 8-2 Ballgame.

Last night, the Cubs lost to the Astros at Minute Maid Park, 8-2. Cliff Floyd, the human statue, was allowed to remain in right field for the entirety of the game. Now, what really grinds my gears about this is that two very young and very athletic and very agile young men were brought up from AAA Iowa to play the outfield for this team. What I don't understand is why neither of them were used, say in the latter innings when Luke Scott came to the plate and jacked a two-run triple over a jogging...well, it could be yogging...could be a soft "j"....over the head of a yogging Cliff Floyd's head.

We all know, and certainly Lou must as well, that Cliff Floyd couldn't outrun Ron Santo, and Ron's got no legs. In fact, I bet a young Forrest Gump could outrun Clifford, even without his magic legs.

I'm not saying that putting Eric Patterson or Felix Pie or even Jock Jones in RF would have guaranteed us a win last night, but either one of them would have gotten underneath that ball and prevented at least a run from scoring. More importantly, my point is that Cliff Floyd is done as a regular player. He can't move out there and he should only be spot-starting and pinch hitting. Do I have a solution? Hell no. But, there are about 47 outfielders on the current roster, and I'm sure Lou can figure something out.

The Brewers got pounded yesterday, losing 19-2 to the hot Rockies, whom the Cubs travel to next. The Beermen are handing this thing over on a silver platter and the Cubs are turning their noses up at the dish. They better wake up, because opportunities to give their fans what they want have been few and far between in the team's history. Let's go, Cubs. Wake up and smell first place, and stop grinding my damn gears.

Sleepin' on the Sofa Bed at the Saloon

Well, it looks as though your good friend In a Nutsack gets around town pretty good. While hanging around the Hire Jim Essian! Shoutbox, I ran across a friend from another Cub blog. We'll call him Chip Wesley, and he's the main conributor, head cheese, and lead boss a-hole at a great site called Thunder Matt's Saloon. The Saloon is a great place to find Cubs and general baseball news, as well as sporadic but well-put movie reviews and rants. Anyway, Chip begrudgingly asked if anyone wanted to do a guest spot on the Saloon, and of course, me, being the Johnny Drama that I am, jumped at the opportunity. So, I typed up a few lines and shot them Chip's way and lo and behold you have this, my very own personal "VICTORY!"

So, big thanks go to Chip and the rest of the bartenders at the Saloon for allowing me to lower their standards on the grandeur of their stage. Raise a glass and all hail Thunder Matt.

Movie Review: The Bourne Ultimatum

Matt Damon's come a long way since his Good Will Hunting and Rounders days. And, he was pretty solid in those flicks, as well. Then come Robert Ludlum's Bourne series of books, of which the main character is...you guessed it, Jason Bourne, played by Matt Damon.

I haven't read any of Ludlum's works, so it's hard for me to compare the films to the books. That could be because I'd rather get a swift kick in the babymaker than read a book. Why stare at words for a few days when you can look at pretty pictures for 'round-about two hours?

As you all can probably agree, the first two films were pretty damned action-packed and fairly well casted. In Ultimatum, the action is fierce and, to a certain extent, "mindbottling." The director, Paul Greengrass, must be a big fan of "shaky camera shots," because I almost spewed kittens during the chase/fight scenes. It evidently got the best of Mrs. Nutsack, also, as she had a small bout of low blood sugar near the end. One sugar-crammed Airhead later, and she was back fighting the good fight. However, it didn't detract from keeping with the plot line and following along, it just made you wonder when the chase scenes would end so that you could regain your senses.

Matt Damon is, of course, outstanding as the film's hero, Jason Bourne. And, you also find a little more about Jason's life before Treadstone and how his former self connects to another character in the series. Julia Stiles makes yet another appearance as the appropriately cute Nicky Parsons. She's dynamite in the movie, as well. Then, there are your peripheral characters like David Strathairn as Noah Vosen, some kind of big-wig of a government agency, and Joan Allen as Pamela Landy, another kind of big-wig of a government agency. Strathairn is adequate at best, and Allen is only slightly better. They do play large parts in the "B" story in the plot line (not a bad thing, though), but fortunately Damon and Stiles are so good you rarely notice Strathairn and Allen's inadequecies.

I don't generally agree with Damon's views on...say, wordly concerns...however, I tried not to think about that as I paid my unGodly and wildly overpriced $8.75 to sit in an unfomfortable chair and listen to old people cough up lungs. Like I said before, the predecessors to Ultimatum were very successful and entertaining cuts, and the third falls right in line with an equally good story. To quote a great line from Paul Rudd in The 40 Year-Old Virgin, "I used to think Matt Damon was sort of a Streisand, but I gotta say he's rockin' the shit in this one." Touche'. Touche', indeed.

TDIH Movie Rating: 4.5 's out of 5.

A Fish Called Wandy

Wandy Rodgriguez? Really? Seriously? REALLY?!?! The Cubs whiffed 9 times against a kid named Wandy? Wandy went 8.0 innings and only gave up 4 hits and struck out 9...yeah, 9 Cubs last night. Unbelievable.

I was utterly disgusted with the highlights I saw last night. It was like watching the beginning of the end. I know, I know...I shouldn't go into a mental tailspin, but the Cubs have lost 5 of their last 7 games and the offense and pitching has been atrocious.

And, for an additional refreshing kick to the cods, as if Cubs fans are used to nothing less, LF Alfonso Soriano has a "1 cm tear" in his quadriceps and will require additional time (4-6 weeks instead of 2-4 weeks) to heal. Lou said it may be some time around Labor Day for Soriano's return, and possibly could take him out for the remainder of the regular season. That smarts. The Cubs recalled some kid named Eric Patterson, who is the younger brother of former Cubs "5-tool" prospect Corey Patterson. Turns out, Corey couldn't make use of his five tools and decided to melt them into one bigger, stubborn and free-swinging tool called...Corey Patterson.

Anyway, the Cubs are excited about Corey's little brother, a 2B prospect who turned to playing the outfield in his last 10 Triple-A games. He's hit .299 with 23 doubles, 6 triples, 14 HR's and 62 RBI and 16 stolen bases. He does sound very promising, but who knows how he'll be used in the coming month to two months.

Well, with Soriano out for the foreseeable future, our man Ryan Theriot has moved into the leadoff spot in the lineup. Last night, he managed to rap 2 hits in 5 chances and didn't strike out once. In fact, so far this season, he's only struck out 32 times out of 344 AB's, and has a walk-to-strikeout ratio of 35/32. He walks more than he strikes out. That's going to keep you in the majors for some time. He's played admirable defense and has a very good approach at the plate, and looks to be a good solution to the shortstop position for this team for quite some time.

Sean Marshall takes on Woody Williams at the Juice Box tonight, and the game should be carried on FOX Sports Southwest, the Astros local affiliate. After striking out a total of 13 times last night, lets hope the Cubs can push Woody from the game early tonight and post a 10 spot for Marshall. The Brewers continue to implode, falling 6-2 to the Rockies last night. They remain one game ahead of the Cubs in the NL Central.

C'mon, Cubs...it's so close, and the Brewers are making it so easy. Just man up and take the damn, thing, huh?

You Know What Grinds My Gears?

It's now time for an entry in a "series" I'll be calling "You Know What Grinds My Gears?" Now, I know...the word "series" implies that I'll actually have to keep up with it and keep posting so that you all (all 4 of you) can get your TDIH fix.

Well, if you don't know who the bag of dicks to the left is, his name is Dane Cook and he is a supreme, Grade A knuckleheaded cuntmuscle. I, for one, hate this guy. He's supposed to be a comedian, but I find him annoying and completely unfunny. And afiminate.

Anyhow, somebody thought that it would be a good idea for Dane to "star" in commercials promoting MLB's postseason. First things first, there's only one promoter of professional sports' postseasons--Don Cheadle. Don's been doing the NFL's commercials for some time now, and he's ligit. And people...y'know...actually like the guy. Dane, on the otherhand, needs to be shot in the face. IN THE FACE!

MLB, please find another spokesperson. I know Dane is "in" with the chicks, but check your market. Chicks dig the longball, not some douchebag who throws on a Red Sox hat and calls himself a fan.

Wild Pitches for Jesus!

The Cubs are in first place today. Wait...let me say it again...THE CUBS ARE IN FIRST PLACE TODAY! No, I'm not talking about my version of the Cubs on MLB 2K7. I'm talking about the God's honest, streaking, make you wanna get neked and run around your neighborhood sportin' a red, white and blue boner for your 2007 Chicago Cubs. Are in first place. First place. By percentage points, mind you, but who gives a shit?

Needless to say I'm high on life right now. And Cialis pills and Jesus. The Cubs are in first place.

First place.

Thanks, Brett Myers, for the lovely wild pitch that scored the beloved Thunder Matt Murton, and gave us our sole share of first motha-f'in place.

Cubs 7, Phillies 3; Cubs Remain 1.0 Game Back of Beermakers

Last night, the Cubs took the second game of the series from the Phillies. Jason Marquis was nothing short of lame last night, as he went 6.0 innings, gave up three runs, all earned, walked three and struck out four and gave up a homerun to Pat Burrell's corpse. The bullpen was great last night, as Ohman (using "great" and "Ohman" in the same sentence has got to be breaking the laws of nature), Marmol and Howry tossed 3.0 scoreless, and more importantly, walkless innings.

What's more important last night were the amount of walks Cub hitters compiled last night--five. Five walks. Somewhere, Dusty Baker is shaking his head at those "clogged bases."

Mike Fontenot had a pinch-hit, RBI single, raising his average to .311. I'd like to elaborate on Mike for a minute...I know when he got called up, he was hitting a robust .400 (round-about). He's levelled off a bit since that time, now back down to an Earthly .311. However, if your batting average comes down and mitres off around .300, you'll remain in the bigs for a long while. I hope he can keep it up and maybe have a chance at winning the 2B job next year. There are many "ifs" in that kind of scenerio, like free agency additions to the outfield, which affect where Mark DeRosa plays. If the Cubs can get a viable option in right field, be it a free agent or somebody like Matt Murton, then DeRosa most likely will be rooted at 2B with Theriot growing in to his role at SS. Not too shabby, but hopefully Mike will remain on the squad for quite some time.

The Brewers did win last night, as they edged the Mets in 13 innings, crushing Tom Glavine's hopes of a 300th win. Tom's wife was in attendance at Miller Park, and as the Mets fell, she had this look on her face like "Oh, shit...I came all the way to Milwaukee for this crap?" Priceless...

Well, the Cubs and Phills go at it tonight at 7:05 in game three of the four-game set. The pitching matchup is the 73 year-old Jamie Moyer versus the 13 year-old Rich Hill.

One more note...The cocktease cometh. He was strong in his outing for AA, and is expected to be added to the Chicago bullpen in the next couple days. A very, very pleasant surprise. Here's to you, Kerry...Mr. "Have 17 Surgeries, Yet Never Give Up on My Mountains of Talent" Guy. Beware...I hear he eats babies.

Go Cubs.