Friday, April 13, 2007

Fell Off the Jetway, Again...

Well, Mark Martia Prior is...gasp...hurt...again. It's a familiar song and dance for this guy--report to Spring Training, fling a towel in some made-up drill, pitch 10 innings or so, don't make the Opening Day roster, pitch in first extended Spring Training game, get sand in vagina injure shoulder, crush dreams of Cubs fans across the country.

Remember that part of the opening scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber when Harry and Lloyd both get to their apartment at the same time? Their conversation goes a little something like this:

Harry: Hi, Lloyd!

Lloyd: Hi, Harry!

Harry: How was your day?

Lloyd: Fell off the jetway, again.

Harry: So, you got fired again, eh?

Lloyd: Oh yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know?

Harry: Yeah, well I lost my job, too.

Lloyd: are one pathetic loser! No offense.

Harry: No, none taken.

Now, just replace the names Harry and Lloyd with Mark and Kerry, and you have a conversation between the former twinkle of the Cubs' organization's eye. Yesterday, Mark Prior was supposed to throw 45 pitches or 3 innings (or whichever came first) in an extended Spring Training game. Strangely, he had to leave after two innings because of "shoulder soreness." Well, warm up the bubble wrap. Get the whirlpool swirling...Mark's comin' back to his happy place--the disabled list.

This year is no different than any other for Mark and Kerry. The fragile hurlers haven't contributed to the club in years. However, we Cubs fans have wisened up to these shenanigans. We are no longer relying on Kerry and Mark to take us to our destiny (somewhere between the NL Central cellar and our own personal hells). No, this year we have guys like Ted Lilly and Jason Marquis--solid starters who can eat up innings and keep the team in games on a consistent basis. Looks like this strategy is doing just fine...the Cubs are 3-5. Woof. Look, it's not the end of the world. The season isn't over only 8 games in. So, I'll keep my head up and continue watching and listening for Cubs nonsense. Because I like my baseball with a side sharp pain, projectile diarrhea and that burning sensation when I pee.

I really hope that Mark and Kerry can turn it around and get healthy. But, if this baseball thing doesn't work itself out for them, I say they stay in town and save up their money for the worm store.

Monday, April 2, 2007

And God Rested on the 7th Day...Then Woke Up and Said "Play ball!"

Today is the greatest day on the face of the planet for is...Major League Baseball's 2007 Opening Day. So, fuck you...don't call me tonight because I'll be watching the DVR-ed Cubs vs. Reds game afte work. Also, I hope none of my coworkers want anything to do with me between the times of 1:10 PM CT and 4:00 PM CT, because I'll be listening to the game on MLB Radio. Yeah, I paid for radio. So what?

Actually, the first game was played last night between the St. Louis Satanic Fowl and the New York Metropolitains. The Cards lost, 6-1, and the Cubs now lead the division by 0.5 game and are also leading the Wild Card race! For a day...and then...well, you know. Anyhow, the Cubs spent near $300 M this offseason on making the team a winner. But, they'll all be weiners if Mark Prior can't come back and pitch and pitch injury free for the entire season. Anyway, enough of the poo jokes and ambiguous references to male's Opening Day! Catch the fever virul infection that is Cubs baseball.