Thursday, May 31, 2007

That's Going To Leave a Mark

Losing 9-0 to the Marlins? Good God. And, I thought I'd be sweet and try to follow the Houston Astros this year as's my feeble attempt at not letting the Cubs get me totally down on baseball this year. Man...the Astros are even worse than the Cubs as they dropped one to the Reds last night, their 10th in a row.

Look, fellas. Turn this thing around. I look forward to baseball season all winter, even during football season. This is, after all, all about me and Wrigleyville.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Hiroshima Approach

Well, the Cubs are just plain awful at this point. At an impressively limp-wristed and wet-noodled 22-28 record so far this season, the 2007 version of the Chicago Cubs need to be broken up...bombed...dismantled...have their accrued Schrute Bucks spontaneously deducted (WARNING: The value of a Schrute Buck is not equal to the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns).

Okay, so maybe they're not "awful," but the White Sox have been shown on WGN as much as the Cubs this year. WTF? As much as I like Lou Piniella, I think he's got to go as manager. Maybe he can stick around as a designated base-chucker. Maybe the team's lunatic? Bowl-chair occupier? How about Vietnamese nail solon tester? Needless to say, I have a soft spot for crazy and Lou's kind of crazy is what the Cubs could use in some capacity.

So, my idea is to explode the current version of the Cubs, pick up some of the remaining valuable pieces, rob the farm club of some cheap and usable talent, and play out the remainder of the year as Joe Girardi as manager. As of now, the Cubs roster contains Michael Barrett and Henry Blanco at catcher. Derrek Lee and Daryle Ward (and his nice rack) at 1B. Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot and Cesar Izturis at 2B and SS. Aramis Ramirez at 3B. The outfield is a giant clusterfuck, what with the likes of Clifford Floyd, Jock Jones, Thunder Matt Murton, Angel Pagan and Alfonso Soriano.

Of those guys, you obviously keep the cornerstones of the franhise in Ramirez and Lee. Next, Theriot obviously stays because he is the master of time, space and dimension, and he graduated from LSU. Honestly, though, the kid hits for average, plays adequate enough defense, and can steal you a base. He plays smart and plays with passion, something sorely missing from the Cubs as a team for quite some time. You either make him your starting SS or 2B. Thunder Matt stays because he has red hair and Lou called him "adorable." Alfie stays because the Cubs owe him upwards of $138 M for 8 years. You call up Felix Pie because he's obviously the crown jewel of the minor league system and is a true 5-tool player. He's hitting .406/.467/.604 and is really scorching PCL pitching with the Iowa Cubs in AAA. He plays defense like he was born in CF and has a 50-cal sniper rifle for an arm. He likes the pink mist. Next up is Eric Patterson at 2B, the younger brother of the dreadfully bad Corey Patterson. He's got killer speed and defense, and he's also pretty handsome. If it gets the wife watching more baseball, I'm all for it. Micah Hauffpair and Scott Moore could both use some MLB time, as they seem MLB ready. Since they're both 1B/3B-type players, they would have to shift to the outfield to make them more useful and versatile. As far as catchers go, I hear that Joe Mauer kid is pretty good.

Next are the pitchers: Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill, Sean Marshall, Mike Wuertz, Scott Eyre, Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol, Ryan Dempster and the rest of the gas-can carriers. First off, Sean Marshall and Rich Hill stay because they're left-handed, and they look like they're combined age could be around 20. Wuertz stays because he has a killer slider that, with the right coaching (there's a novel idea) could be groomed into a closer's role. Eyre and Howry have suddenly lost the mental capacity it takes to actually be a pitcher, so they're out. Dempster's been okay, but if he warrants a good return, pull the trigger. Lilly, Marquis and Zambrano would all look good in New York pinstripes. Zambrano would warrant a return comprable to the GNP of Luxembourg alone. The Mets would wet themselves knowing that Z would be on the block. So, if the return is great enough, I'm sorry to say that I'd watch Z leave. Sorry big fella...please don't kill me and feed my remains to stray dogs.

Well, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been away for a while. I promise it'll get better. A big thanks to my good friend over at Wrigleyville23 for giving me here at The Dome is Haunted a mention on his site. If you like short, snappy, and funny, check him out.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention calling up Mike Fontenot as a utility man. He's crushing the PCL as well and will add speed, depth and versatility to the bench. And, he's another former LSU Tiger. Hooah!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Snatched From the Jaws of Victory; Pirates Display Public Affection

The Cubs fell last night to the Pissburgh Pirates, 4-3, in 15 innings. Ryan Dempster blew a save in the ninth, allowing a Nate McClouth walk to come around and score on a sacrifice fly by short stop Jack Wilson. Lame.

I guess Alfonso Soriano runs whenever he wants. I listened to the game via MLB Radio, since WGN has decided that televising good baseball is so Atlanta. Like, fer sure. Anyway, I happened upon the moment in the game where Fonsie was on first, stole second, got moved over to third and then failed to score on a medium depth pop fly. Granted, this was the first inning, but if you make $136 M, you better be scoring some damn runs. He's starting to heat up, though, and that's a good thing.

Next up are the Pirates again today. Pitching matchup: the Pirates will send what looks to be an inbred in Tom Gorzelanny (4-1, 2.97 ERA) to face our new sort-of ace, Jason Marquis (4-1, 2.09 ERA). Many folks in the Cub Blog Army have given Marquis knicknames for sucking, or something, but so far he's been more consistent than Carlos Zambrano, the face of the franchise. If Jason can keep the tail and sink to his fastball, he'll do just fine this evening.

Let's hope that last night was just an anomoly, but know how Cub the Cubs can be, who knows.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

ESPN are a Bunch of Cockgobblers

So, I know everyone was expecting some very interesting, insightful banter on my part about the recent circus spectacle that was the 2007 NFL Draft. I know you guys really care about my thoughts on the Saints and their draft this year. I know you want to know what I think about new wide receiver Robert Meachem and the possibility of the Saints nabbing up recently released wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson. That'll come, patient and stop throwing tomatoes and other assorted vegetables at your computer screen.

But, I've got a little bit of a chip on my shoulder today. My wife and I watched the Draft last Saturday and Sunday, and I have to say that ESPN has turned it into one of the most over analyzed bull squash-laiden sessions of grab ass I've ever witnessed. I thought the Draft began at 11:00 CDT. After all, that's what my guide told me on the TV. What it didn't tell me was that the 11:00 hour of ESPN's "coverage" was just a bunch of cornholers talking about what they thought might happen when the Draft actually started at noon. So, I had to sit through one hour of Mel Kiper's helmet hair, Chris Berman's nonsensical knicknaming and Keyshawn Johnson saying how he can't wait to get back on the field in a Panther uniform...was it just me who got a raging boner when the Panthers released him the following Monday? Good for them.

That's not the worst of it, though. Today, when I got back home from New Orleans, where I muffed up Audobon Golf Course, I had time to catch the 5:00 edition of Sports Center. Well, if you haven't heard already, Roger Clemens has signed a prorated $28 M deal with the Yankees. Big freakin' deal, I say. But, it's ESPN's complete and utter ridiculous purple throbber for all things Yankee/Red Sox that just makes me sick. Look, buttplugs, the rest of the "flyover" states really don't give a crusty rat's ass about the stupid Yankees or Sox. Never mind the fact that the Milwaukee Brewers are setting the pace in the National League and that the Atlanta Braves are yet again charging the NL East or that the Chicago Cubs have won 8 of their last 9 games, but still trail the Brew Crew by 5 games in the NL, Roger tap-dancin' Clemens gets to bring his undersized cock and oversized ego back to Yankee Stadium and ESPN thinks it's the greatest thing since...well...Roger Clemens brought his undersized cock and oversized ego to Yankee Stadium.

They spent 40 of the 60 minutes of Sports Center talking about Roger and his minute genitalia. That's unheard of. I'm beginning to loathe ESPN with every ounce of my being and if they don't satisfy their sexual affliction with all things New England I'm going to boycot them. It's getting out of hand. If only FOX could realize what ESPN's doing wrong and create the same kind of show, but for "the rest of us." I'd watch.

Anyway, more to come on the Saints and their draft. And more Cubs wish wash, too. They won in 10 innings today, sweeping the Nationals at Wrigley Field this weekend. But, don't expect to hear that kind of nonsense on ESPN. Cockgobblers.