Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Hiroshima Approach

Well, the Cubs are just plain awful at this point. At an impressively limp-wristed and wet-noodled 22-28 record so far this season, the 2007 version of the Chicago Cubs need to be broken up...bombed...dismantled...have their accrued Schrute Bucks spontaneously deducted (WARNING: The value of a Schrute Buck is not equal to the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns).

Okay, so maybe they're not "awful," but the White Sox have been shown on WGN as much as the Cubs this year. WTF? As much as I like Lou Piniella, I think he's got to go as manager. Maybe he can stick around as a designated base-chucker. Maybe the team's lunatic? Bowl-chair occupier? How about Vietnamese nail solon tester? Needless to say, I have a soft spot for crazy and Lou's kind of crazy is what the Cubs could use in some capacity.

So, my idea is to explode the current version of the Cubs, pick up some of the remaining valuable pieces, rob the farm club of some cheap and usable talent, and play out the remainder of the year as Joe Girardi as manager. As of now, the Cubs roster contains Michael Barrett and Henry Blanco at catcher. Derrek Lee and Daryle Ward (and his nice rack) at 1B. Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot and Cesar Izturis at 2B and SS. Aramis Ramirez at 3B. The outfield is a giant clusterfuck, what with the likes of Clifford Floyd, Jock Jones, Thunder Matt Murton, Angel Pagan and Alfonso Soriano.

Of those guys, you obviously keep the cornerstones of the franhise in Ramirez and Lee. Next, Theriot obviously stays because he is the master of time, space and dimension, and he graduated from LSU. Honestly, though, the kid hits for average, plays adequate enough defense, and can steal you a base. He plays smart and plays with passion, something sorely missing from the Cubs as a team for quite some time. You either make him your starting SS or 2B. Thunder Matt stays because he has red hair and Lou called him "adorable." Alfie stays because the Cubs owe him upwards of $138 M for 8 years. You call up Felix Pie because he's obviously the crown jewel of the minor league system and is a true 5-tool player. He's hitting .406/.467/.604 and is really scorching PCL pitching with the Iowa Cubs in AAA. He plays defense like he was born in CF and has a 50-cal sniper rifle for an arm. He likes the pink mist. Next up is Eric Patterson at 2B, the younger brother of the dreadfully bad Corey Patterson. He's got killer speed and defense, and he's also pretty handsome. If it gets the wife watching more baseball, I'm all for it. Micah Hauffpair and Scott Moore could both use some MLB time, as they seem MLB ready. Since they're both 1B/3B-type players, they would have to shift to the outfield to make them more useful and versatile. As far as catchers go, I hear that Joe Mauer kid is pretty good.

Next are the pitchers: Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill, Sean Marshall, Mike Wuertz, Scott Eyre, Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol, Ryan Dempster and the rest of the gas-can carriers. First off, Sean Marshall and Rich Hill stay because they're left-handed, and they look like they're combined age could be around 20. Wuertz stays because he has a killer slider that, with the right coaching (there's a novel idea) could be groomed into a closer's role. Eyre and Howry have suddenly lost the mental capacity it takes to actually be a pitcher, so they're out. Dempster's been okay, but if he warrants a good return, pull the trigger. Lilly, Marquis and Zambrano would all look good in New York pinstripes. Zambrano would warrant a return comprable to the GNP of Luxembourg alone. The Mets would wet themselves knowing that Z would be on the block. So, if the return is great enough, I'm sorry to say that I'd watch Z leave. Sorry big fella...please don't kill me and feed my remains to stray dogs.

Well, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been away for a while. I promise it'll get better. A big thanks to my good friend over at Wrigleyville23 for giving me here at The Dome is Haunted a mention on his site. If you like short, snappy, and funny, check him out.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention calling up Mike Fontenot as a utility man. He's crushing the PCL as well and will add speed, depth and versatility to the bench. And, he's another former LSU Tiger. Hooah!


erwhitey said...

I'm not sure if I lost count there, but did you end up with like 6 outfielders? Oh well, on a high note, the Braves won again last night and have the Chubbies in their sights for the weekend.

In a Nutsack said...

I wasn't exactly narrowing it down to an exact 25-man roster, but whatever.

I'm excited about the Braves. They will dismantle the Cubs.