Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Kerry Wood Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Re-Revisits Summer Home, Located on Disabled List Island

It's true. It's happened to us Cubs fans, again. Kerry Wood will start the 2007 season on the disabled list, and reports from the Chicago Tribune are claiming he would be lucky to return in June. Jesus titty-fuckin' Sanchez, what the hell is wrong with this guy? I don't have the exact number of times he's visited the DL, but this is getting to be son-of-a-bitchin' ridiculous. For those of you not familiar with Kerry Wood, here's a refresher: he's the guy who struck out 20 Astros in one game in 1998 and in the same game missed no-hitting the Astros by one measely little Ricky Gutierrez knub-shot between short and third...lucky little twerp.

Forgive me for not writing about the Saints that often in the past weeks, but as I mentioned before it's baseball season and I'm a huge fan of the game and of the Chicago Cubs. That's why Kerry Wood heading back to the DL is so damn frustrating...no, it's heartbreaking. You see, in Cubdom Kerry Wood is one of the most beloved. He seems like a nice guy and also has a smokin' red hot wife, who if you were to rate her ass on a scale of 0 to 100, it'd easily be a 94. Plus, HE STRUCK OUT 20 GUYS IN ONE GAME!!! For your information, the Major League record for strikeouts in a game was set by Roger Clemens at 21. That's un-freakin-beleavable.

In 2003, when the Cubs made it to the National League Championship Series (NLCS) against the Florida Marlins (the eventual champions of that year), Kerry was the only pitcher to actually show up. Save for Alex Gonzalez's error in turning a double play (after the Bartman chaos), the Cubs could have won the 2003 World Series on Wood's arm alone. However, the error proved to be fatal and Derrek Lee (then of the Marlins) stroked a double and that was that.

Wood is tough as nails. He'd take on anybody at anytime and probably physically beat the ever-lovin' shit out of anyone who dares fight him. But, that doesn't make him a good pitcher. When he was in high school, Kerry was forced to pitch...no, start...both games of a double header. There's the rub...that's where things went wrong. He should have realized this was a bad idea, but instead let it ride. He appeared in a Cubs uniform and then was a human, living, breathing heartbreak ever since.

I hope to God that Kerry can someday overcome the injuries that have plagued his Major League career. I want so badly for him to be a big part of the Cubs in 2007, because this year seems so promising. I don't want to wait until June to be heartbroken again by a Kerry Wood injury. I think they should just bubble wrap the kid and call it a day. But, he might suffocate...or something. Anyway, get well soon, Kerry. And, send us a postcard.


erwhitey said...

you know for some good news you might want to check out the Atlanta Braves - aka America's Team. They're looking like they might win the East this year. Too bad about Wood though, I think he might be just about done with greatness, looks like just getting by as a mediocre pitcher could be his future in baseball.

In a nutsack... said...

I think his future in baseball might be on the medical staff. He's so used to that side of the game, he should be great at it.